La Flaca

Las Tortugas y Yo
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2020-05-13 20:08:39 (UTC)

The day that should have been my last.

I remember the day that should have been my last, about 17 years ago I was going through the worst time of my life, my parents had been a few years divorced and my family was going through hell, no communication what soever and every one of my siblings and I trying to survive our own struggles without our parents help or support. I was living with my older and younger brothers in NM and I had been trying so hard to finish high school with my younger brother living in the US all this was new to me, my older brother had join the navy and they where helping him finish his studies so he could go serve our country once finished with his degree. I on the other had had been working the late shift working at a taco bell for long hours and bringing home cheap unhealthy food witch orders got canceled last minute, the manager liked me and always gave me food. it was nice of him because we really needed it, since we where all struggling financially the only real income was that of my brothers form the navy. And the few pay checks I'd get paid from working at fast food restaurant
So here I was trying my hardest to find my own way in life, the non verbal communication started to built up a pressure I could not handle any longer, I felt alone, I felt hopeless and very very sad. all the few friends that I had at that time we would only talk trough regular mail, so it would take a very long time for those letters to get there. I remember how it all began with one simple though in my head that my family would be better of without me, and it grew on me, I began to isolated myself from my few friends, and talked less to each one of my family members I remember that day so well. The burden in my heart that I needed to make my family come together again as we use to be, and talk to each other about our needs and help each other out just seemed like with me doing this they would react or try to become better people, any how these are some of what I thought where reasons enough to allow me to take my own life.
The day I was set on to taking my own life I went out to wall mart and bough a huge bottle of aspirin and some blades I was going to take that bottle chug it down and cut my veins so I could bleed out in my own bedroom, I was a rookie with awful thoughts but very broken spirit.
I went back to my bedroom both my brothers were in the living room watching t.v. I locked my self in there and began to do what I needed to do, I remember so well a verse from the bible pounding in my head and I refused to listened it was the book of Rev. 3:20 “ Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me ” and I refuse to listen to God's voice, I mean how terrible is that. Well I did as I had planned and cried the whole time I was doing it cutting my wrist slowly and painful after I had drank the entire bottle of aspirin, all I remember after is being semi aware drowsy lightheaded waking up and vomiting for the longest time in and out of consciousness then being in a very deep long sleep in till morning.
Then came the guilt and feeling God's presence depart from me and listening to His everlasting silence not say a single word as does an angry parent to his child after he has disobey a direct order, imagine how I felt, I kept thinking I can't even do this right, take my own life how hard can this be, but at this point I only felt ashamed, stressed and very very depressed. I remember my younger brother asking me that Monday morning if we where going on the bus together to school, I said no am not feeling well I'm calling in.
After both of my brothers had left the apartment I went to the store to by some bandages and water to wash my wrist and I did first aid kit and took care of my superficial wounds, the true wounds where eating me up inside my heart it had been broken by me I began to hurt for my loved ones, and decided to draw blanks in my brain for the next few hours I felt like a dead man walking, so I went to pick up my pay check in the minivan that I use to drive to school in, filled the gas tank and began to drive south to my home town, I can't remember how I crossed the border, how I drove by a small hill side and stopped at the gas station 2 hours before getting home with absolutely no brake fluid in my van, I pushed the emergency brake right before stopping at the station, the man who filled up the tank asked me if I needed anything and I said yes can u please check the brake fluid I think is running low, he said to me miss you are a lucky woman and could have flown down those hills you just crossed I have no idea how you got here. Looking back I realize now I did not want to die, other wise I would have driven down those hills without hesitation.
I drove the next 2 hours that seems eternal to get home, when I did I remember jumping in the shower and balling my eyes out, I cried I scream and did not know what to expect no one was home when I arrived so I just laid down on my mothers bed and kept on crying.
the six hours that went on that morning my entire family had been looking for me, they filed a report and new that I had cross the border so my parents where literally going trough hell wondering what was going on, then after I had fallen asleep in my moms room she came home to find me there broken and feeling worthless, she hugged me so tight and I can still hear her scream when she realize that I had tried to cut my wrist she broke down and was trying to understand what had happen why did I do such a thing and so many unanswered questions.
I would love to say things got better from that point forward that my parents figure things out for me and I was happy from that day forward but I would be lying if I did, because things got worse o so much worse. but that my friend is another days story.

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