CharlieF55

The 55 Vibe & Still Alive
2020-05-12 21:25:13 (UTC)

Neediness vs. Loneliness

They overlap but are different. I'm not as my mother was, needy. She sought men with desperation. I don't think that was completely my father, but he had a lot to do with it. Her family was nice people, kind and polite but not overly warm. They showed affection through actions of the non mushy sort. I think she's always wanted more hugs and kisses and for her it turned into a sexual thing also.
I want more hugs and kisses. I want more sex. Sometimes I feel the desperation for someone, but mostly it's a transient loneliness. I feel it more when I notice couples being affectionate and flirty with one another, as the husband and wife are here. It's a good thing because they are a few years older than me and still seem into one another. Not a small feat.
Men can sense that desperation. Some are drawn to only that. Some are drawn to it at first and then want to escape. Some can't bear it at all. I've always chose men who were semi independent in nature, even though I want more sex and more mush, I also need my own time. I wouldn't want someone who needed me to need them 24/7.
My father was independent. He didn't like people who crowded his time, so my mother's personality and his didn't mix well.
I was around 7 or 8 when my mom took me with her one night, likely because they refused to keep an eye on me (making her accountable for behavior, etc etc) and she said she was going to the store. She met a man there and they drove off onto a dirt road. I woke up to them making out but they didn't know I was awake. They were kissing and pawing each other and his hand was in her blouse. What I remember most was her whispered plea, "don't leave me. Don't leave me."
I've never told her that I was awake. It sounded so sad to me even then. I think my relationship style is a mix of theirs and more like my dads. I guess that makes sense.
I didn't anticipate this diary to turn into my parents but maybe I am getting it out of my system.
Yours Truly. Charlie.




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