miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2020-05-12 20:24:00 (UTC)

lying in a pool of my own blood

like being in a coma, and being cut open...but you can FEEL it. the pain is searing...ripping thru you. your chest pried open, and your heart ripped from it. you want to scream so others know your pain, but you can't. you can't open your mouth. you can't shed a single one of the tears that are threatening to drown you. no one who looks at you, has any idea of the pain you are in...because they CAN'T know. you lay helpless...arms sprawled, heart gone....bleeding out. feeling the life leave your body. you stand to face the ones you must face, but even on your feet...you lay in that silent, painfilled coma, the screams locked inside you.

this is how i feel right now, in this moment. suffering a pain so deep and raw...yet completely unknown to those who see me. holding it in because they don't know. how do you grieve something when you can't grieve? how can you feel SO MUCH...and others be so unaware? can't they see that a part of me is dying?

the thing that i dreaded for all of our time together, finally happened. we both knew that it would. from the beginning we knew. but we had so much more time than we thought we would. we went so much deeper than we could have imagined. and so we forgot that "thing" was always still a possibility...a liklihood...just waiting to happen.

he finally reached a place in his life, where he wants and needs more than a married woman can offer. he gave me such beautiful time...such beautiful parts of himself for so long. he GIFTED me, himself...and it was a treasure like no other. but now...my sweet love begins his own journey. just like he should. just like he deserves to.

and i have to figure out how to wake up everyday now, without being under the umbrella of his sweet and perfect love.


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