edd

Scream Above the Sounds
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2020-05-10 14:47:49 (UTC)

Everyday Is Like Sunday

I feel like I need to do something, switch things up. I know we can't exactly do much right though, although restrictions on lockdown are supposedly changing. I won't hold my breath, it won't change much for me anyway. I don't have much faith in the government, things are already way too fucked up. I feel I need to do new things though; find some new hobbies, just SOMETHING. Things are extremely repetitive at the minute. My dad is spending a lot of time in the garden lately. I think lockdown really frightened and upset my parents initially, they have always been extremely hard working and knowing that they couldn't do anything and were trapped in the house..it just spooked them. I still don't think my mother is coping very well with it, but she's better than she was. My dad however is thriving now, he's constantly fixing up the house and keeping busy. Me? It's just business as usual I guess: I binge some TV series, I play some games, I go to sleep. I'm trying to do some fitness things here and there, I'm still running and whatnot. I think when my student loan comes in I'll invest in some weights and really do my best to get in some serious shape. Look good, feel good, all that shit.


I do feel very lonely at the minute, more so than usual. I'm trying to stay busy, my new Sim file is certainly helping with that. The University save I've created is kicking my ass, I also got bit by a vampire, so I'm really pissed off with that! Haha. I dunno, it's the same old song and dance really. When you start overthinking, when you're laying in bed at night. I just feel like my social life has rapidly declined and now I've got nobody. I think it especially hurts when I see how close and united people are on Facebook with their family; I definitely envy that. I'm not close with anybody in my family. Just me, myself and I at the minute, and I often say that I'm used to it. I guess sometimes we get overwhelmed and this is the shit reality of it all. Music definitely helps. I just need something more.


The idea of university excites me, not so much to make friends. I mean it would be nice to meet new people, but I'm more excited for finally getting to where I want to be. 2018 was a really hard year for me: the break up, getting back into education etc. My world really did get turned upside down, and I'm proud to say I'm still standing, I've come out of the other side. My access course is officially over and University beckons. It's exciting stuff. I do have a fear that I won't be fulfilled, or that I'll graduate, get my degree and won't feel any better about myself. I'm not sure if it's the perfectionist in me that 'enough is never enough', or that self loathing is just my natural habitat. I really hope I will feel happy and fulfilled when it's over. It's a pretty scary thought that when I finish the course I'll be 33 years old. I'm trying not to think about that though, haha.

I hope everybody is continuing to stay safe.

Edd


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