Prophetess

Prophetess
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2020-05-06 16:40:07 (UTC)

Healing or Broken

Having some time to think had me making some realizations. There’s a difference between healing and being broken. Staying broken means, you have no intention of healing from anything. Instead of trying to heal you stay in this state of broken because it’s an excuse or gets you attention. I’ve had a lot crap dumped on me in my life. To those that have known me for any extended period of time can tell you that. The thing that I did was choose to heal. I didn’t want to stay broken. I’m not fully comfortable with the person I’m becoming because she is new to me. Every day she’s becoming newer to me, but I’m accepting slowly that she and I have to learn to live together. I’m not perfect and I don’t expect to be. I’m constantly healing though. I’m constantly learning to heal. I want to be better. I want to be different from what the universe has dealt me.

I guess that’s why this silent treatment enrages me so much. I don’t deserve it. Of course, I started blaming myself because let’s face it, it’s always been my go-to. I had to have done something wrong to warrant it. After talking to several friends, I learned that I have nothing to do with the reaction I got. I did what any person would do if they were me. The response I got shows the person on the other side. How I react to it shows who I am. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t angry. I really was. Lion used to do that all the damn time. It was a punishment for me when I was doing something he didn’t agree with. That’s what triggered me being angry. I refuse to be treated like that. I was once before. His loss. I tried which for me is something that took a lot of guts. The silent treatment though just showed me that while it’s going to hurt a bit, I’m not going to die.

I’ll just paste on a smile and pretend all is well once more. I’m really good at it. I mean stark contrast. I helped a friend have a great relationship. Guys always seem to find their person after me. I keep staying in the same place. Instead of worrying about it I need to welcome the she that I’m becoming. I have a lot coming up in the next nine months and after that things are going to go faster. I thought I was building another part of my future, but I guess what I thought wasn’t what it really was. Yeah, it’s going to hurt and sting for a while. I’ll survive it. I’m not perfect and I never will be, but this will be one more thing to heal from. I don’t want to stay broken. I want to heal and that means confronting all my demons. Maybe invite them to play UNO once in a while. I know they will always be a part of me.

I focus on me, but I wanted to share it all with you. Now I am on my own once more. I’m okay with that. I’ll heal from this too. Hope is a bitch at times. I held out hope. You had said that it’s his loss. I wonder if you can take your L too. It is what it is. Strange that this time I’m once more not in the wrong. Can’t win them all though.


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