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2020-05-06 15:52:37 (UTC)

im scared to ask for help

4:52 pm
teachers are calling me nonstop. teachers are emailing me nonstop. i feel like i am going to cry. this is so hard. i keep putting myself in denial saying that i am trying and that everything is going to be okay and that i will be able to push through all my mistakes that i have created and well im struggling. i dont really know what to do.

i just feel so lost and i am feeling so bad inside to the point i have no idea or clue how to handle anything. i dont even know what i am thinking.

when i wake up in the morning my teachers and counselors are calling me on my moms phone and saying how i didnt do this or that or that i am in danger of failing and i just feel so terrible. i feel like i dont know what to do. everybody tells me that it is okay but i know that it isnt okay.

i think the thing that makes me the most sad of all is the fact that i dont feel understood or genuinely cared for, i just feel pitied. i feel so helpless and i have to keep acting like im okay but i guess its not really showing through.

i feel so hurt and upset. i feel disappointed in myself. times like this are the times i wish i could just run away from everything and everybody. i dont know where to even ask for help. i know i need help but its hard to ask for help because i feel like i dont deserve it because i have caused every fault on myself. it was all my fault so i dont see how i can ask for help or if im even deserving of it. maybe its my pride or maybe its because im just dumb but i wish i could get back on my feet and accomplish something. this is really hard and im having a really tough time right now.

i have to email my teacher letting him know that im going to get my work done and stuff but the thing is i dont even know where to begin. i dont know how to go to him and tell him that i am struggling and that its tough because the thing is everybody else around me is doing their work and getting something done while im here just crying about how tough everything is and i wish i wouldnt be typing this but i just genuinely dont know what to do and where to start. im scared that hes going to hate me and just judge me so hard to be honest. im scared that hes going to be annoyed at me for asking him to get something done so late. im scared to even tell him that i dont know what to do because i feel like hes just going to tell me that i fucked up and that im the worst student hes ever had. i know he probably wont say this but i feel like thats what hes going to think. i cannot even tell him any thing or reasons for anything because its just going to all look like excuses and honestly some part of it is.

i know i have to go contact him and tell him that i need help. i didnt know asking for help would be this hard. and im really scared.