andromeda

lmao fuc this
2020-05-05 04:07:10 (UTC)

andromeda

Good evening, and welcome to andromeda, a vast galaxy of thoughts and stars.

I'm starting a diary in hopes understanding myself a bit better, as I trek through difficult times I find my need to record my own inane thoughts down stronger and stronger. Many things have happened, Covid-19 has struck stronger than expected and students such as myself have all found themselves learning at home. School was especially hard today, it makes me wonder how easy it would be to simple leave. Walk into the forests of British Columbia and live like a 70 year old witch, no shoes and muddied hair, hands wrinkled like the roots I harvest. But of course I don't. The notion of running away is one many have, myself included obviously. Its a fantasy, but reality is not something that can be run away from.
Often I wonder when I became so sad. When did the world decide that trauma and growing up much too fast was maturity? When did pain become something praised by adults? When did I become so sad? I don't remember much, depression does that to you. It makes your brain stop working properly and you forget things because a depressed brain simply cannot remember. But now, it feels like forgetting is second nature. I plaster notes on the wall only to forget why I put them up, so I take them down. Maybe it was a habit created from years of social paranoia, perhaps I'm just incompetent as a result of modern societies inability to focus on the individual in a positive light. Who knows?
what a long and sad entry. I wish I could brighten up, but I still have more to say before I forget it.
I think creation is an intrinsic part of the human, that creation is needed for survival. I often have the wish to create something, perhaps its the artist in me, but I cannot seem to fathom living without creation in it. I want to make something that outlasts me, that does not stay in a tangible form, but rather something that touches the hearts of people. It must be something that stays with the heart, the mind and the soul. Often, a story comes to mind, something to reflect our own experiences in the form of a narrative. I've thought about writing a comic, something about the Intersection and of dragons with 6 eyes and gods betting on the lives of humans, but it always felt weird. Like something was missing.
It felt too happy, unreal and untouchable.
You can only write what you know best, and I guess depression is what I know best.
If you've made it this far down my rabbit hole of thoughts, I'd like to recommend something, food for thought.
"CONTROL, ANATOMY, AND THE LEGACY OF THE HAUNTED HOUSE" is todays final topic of discussion, a video essay written by Jacob Geller on Youtube, a fantastic and unnerving piece about video games and living spaces.
"IN THE PSYCHOLOGY OF THE MODERN CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING, IT IS DIFFICULT TO OVERSTATE THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THE HOUSE." A quote of a quote, the first lines of his video. Its a terrifying experience, one that I can't really get off my mind. It feels so hauntingly true, that we ignore the house. It is simply there, it has always been. I've never seen a concept so terrifying as the haunted house, but this video directly addresses the type of haunted house that is so terrifying. It is simply a house left to grow bitter, a living house. I really do recommend Jacob Geller and his fantastic videos, although they can be quite depressing, and I wouldn't advise watching at night.

"ANDROMEDA'S A BIG, WIDE OPEN GALAXY
NOTHING IN IT FOR ME EXCEPT A HEART THAT'S LAZY"
-Weyes Blood, Andromeda




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