Ad 2:
2020-05-03 22:42:50 (UTC)

Word Vomit

Here I thought that the silent treatment would be beneath you. It’s sad to see that it isn’t. I guess as I said to reward or ruin. It’s ruin. Sad that you couldn’t even say something. Even worse that you became like the Lion with pitiful tactics like the silent treatment. I guess you can’t even respect me when I confront you. It was a simple yes or no answer. Instead you took the coward’s way out. To me this says that it’s goodbye. You become an acquaintance. Someone I used to know. Someone that goes to the fringes and stays there. This also frees me from any obligations that I had the stupidity to believe was something of a future. There’s plenty of that going around this month for me it seems. Thanks for that. All I want to hear about is the money you owe me, and I’ll return your key.

I think it would have been better if you had simply said something. Instead this way just pisses me off. Truth be told for all your chastising about the Lion, the Hermit, Princess, and all the others you are just like them in your own way. I don’t run from things. I confront them and get them in the open. That’s how things are supposed to be. I should have known better with the mixed signals. I should have walked the other way ages ago instead of stupidly letting my heart get involved. I did and that’s on me. I don’t owe you an explanation and you can bet that you won’t get one. This doesn’t mean that I don’t love you. Things don’t work like that. It never does. It doesn’t just turn on and off. This just means that I’ve seen what I have and for the best of me I have to do this. I can’t just keep repeating history over and over. That’s what I’m doing with you. It’s got a lovely package but you’re toxic.

Save it. I don’t want to hear excuses. I don’t want you turning up when you think I’m over my moment. That’s what you do every time that I express myself. The dreams you sold were pretty, but the nightmares always come back. That’s what I learned going into the dark drawer that I rarely touch. I’ve seen enough selling dreams but giving me more nightmares. I’m tired of nightmares. I have enough ghosts and nightmares on my own without adding to them. I wondered why I kept hearing Blood Money. Now I know. This is the betrayal that I was being warned about. It all makes sense now.

I will take time to heal. I’ll collect what you owe me and return what I have (your key). From there I can’t see what the future holds, but I do know this. You have released me of any promises I made for the future. You’re the only one that can fix things. I have done all I can, but I can’t do everything. I take betrayal very seriously and when I see things that I have had to deal with in the past that’s the worst of it, I simply have no reason to remain. Putting you at arm’s length is the best thing I can do for me. The emotional blackmail has to end somewhere. I’m not someone for you to fix. I’m not someone that needs you. I wanted you. I’ve done well at holding myself down. I’ve even held you down. Now I can’t do that anymore. I have to think of me. You said you wanted stable and yet you want crazy. I gave you a glimpse into stable, but you didn’t want to be bothered with it.

Maybe one day in the future there might be changes, but this last weekend I spent thinking over what lies ahead for me. What’s best for me. No one else knows that but me. It’s why I always hated someone saying that phrase to me. They’re doing what’s best for me. Since they aren’t me, they don’t know. I got tired of wondering. I got tired of trying to figure things out. Did we have to talk? No. You could have easily said something through text. You had no trouble doing it once a while back. You remember? Back when I was still in Georgia. I said something and you told me that you were talking to someone. I took it pretty well. I felt dumb for saying anything, but I took the risk. I was madder at myself. I’m not perfect but one thing I can say is you can’t say that I made a secret about anything. Now, you have to make your own peace with the girls. I’m not saving you. In fact, if you need something might want to go elsewhere with it. You asked me about things you were getting for your place, you asked my opinion. Even when I asked you why you were asking me since I don’t live there, I only visit. You didn’t say anything. It’s your place. You see it every day. I’d see it what? Four times a month? Well that’s not fully true. That’s at most not less. That depended on you. If I waited for you to invite me, I’d never be down there. That’s okay now. One last trip and that’s it.

I’ve asked millions of times for you to tell me what you wanted from me. What you expected from me? I don’t have expectations really. Just common, human decency. I mean I know that’s a lot to ask these days. You can cry with me. You can tell me all the bad things but something so simple you can’t say anything. I just don’t understand. I guess I never will. I wish you luck and maybe one day you’ll understand. Maybe one day you’ll change, and I hope for your sake it’s not too late. For now, though, I have my future to think on. I have a long road ahead of me, but as I have before I’ll rise to the challenge of it on my own. May the force be with you.

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