If I so desire
I'm trying to find comfort in the fact that if I wish it, I can initiate a conversation with A now and we can talk on the phone until we got off together. But I don't wish it. I don't want to get off with anyone and I don't want to talk to A tonight.
Is that supposed to make me feel powerful? I don't give two shits about that. That's never the dynamic I wanted. And I know how biology works so I know what's supposed to happen but it doesn't. Because I know, it doesn't. And that's a good thing. I haven't found that mutual connection yet, haven't found that equal on that deep level. Some days it gives me strength, other days they make me sad in a pissed off kind of way. And I don't feel so strong now.