Experienced Life
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2020-05-03 10:26:31 (UTC)

Off the Charts today!! 😡😭😱

Wow! So many things going on today! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!! First, I had a nightmare. It was about my ex wife. Don't remember much anymore about it but the theme was familiar. She was having her affair causing me to stress out uncontrollably while at the same time, my kiddos were there needing the love from their Father so they can grow up with good character. I know it's when they are young where their character is founded. So yeah, in that dream, it brought out the ugliness that I once had to endure. Sure it made me a better person I think experiencing that crap but still, screw that! I never want to experience that kind of treatment ever again. I think maybe because I watched Game of Thrones last night and I recall Cercei's character. She was a beautiful but such and evil woman. Just like my ex wife. haha

When I woke up from that dream, I was still feeling it for a bit till I realized I just woke up and it was a dream. So thankful it was a dream and so relieved I'm here where I'm at now. You know how you have situations so crappy and wished you were dreaming but it was real? Well, in this case, I was in that nightmare and it was a dream so I am soooooo thankful. I felt so much better waking up knowing my state of living right now. Whew! I worked so hard to be where I am mentally building and self improving. No, I'm no dude dressed in garb sitting crossed legged on top of a mountain with a giant bell . Nope. But if there is such a peace, I think I'm not far from it.

So I make my coffee with the classic cinnamon sticks in it. This time, not 1/2 a stick but 2 full sticks added when I grind my coffee beans. Sorry to my friend reading this that has a theory about what happens to me and cinnamon sticks. Oh well. Anyway, I'm having my coffee. replying to my messages here back down to earth having fun.

I especially like messaging and receiving messages from my new friend. Just playing around you know. So yeah, we make each other smile, laugh or just flirt a little. Just a tad. All innocent playing around. I like it. So this puts me back into my playful mood.

I also reach out to my phone to see if I got any texts from my friends and I did especially since I woke up late and it's almost lunch time. It was horrific news. My close friend at work passed away this morning. Next to my preverbal work husband (as my friend would say), he was my best friend at work. I won't mention his name out of respect but it began with D. I've known D for 19 years now. He is so close we tell each other almost everything. I mean everything. Guy talk involves our sexcapades so yeah. Almost everything. And that's because we're that close and we know how to keep it between us and we did for 19 years. Now? He's dead.

This guys was so nice. He knew all the woman and he could probably hook up with a lot of them. But he was a good guy. He was married once and he was with his wife till she passed away from some blood disorder. I recall when I was getting divorced a long long time ago. I was feeling like crap. I told him how ashamed I was that I couldn't hold on to my marriage. I told him I respected him so much because he did do what he promised when he got married. He kept his vows. Till death do us part. He was with his wife till she passed away. He knew I was down and ashamed of myself. He said some encouraging words that made me feel better. I forgot what it was.That was a long long time ago. To me, I now keep it simple. I just tell myself "You can't fix stupid".

I recall other times we're at work. His cubicle is just across mine and back two cubicles so we can hear each other. I used to make him laugh so many times. Sometimes, when I say something and it comes out of me without planning it. Crap just rolls out of my mind and I'm pretty spontaneous. So when I say stuff, it's fresh out of my mind. We all laugh and it's nice to be able to make everyone laugh. But D? Even after 5 minutes I can hear him giggling or if I walk pass his cubicle for some reason, he is still shaking his head smiling calling telling me I'm so stooopid. But he means it in a fun way of course.

When our lives got serious, we'd stop what we'd be doing no matter how fricking busy it is go outside and walk and talk about it. We have this walkabout area that is nice, grassy, sunny, and just relaxing between two buildings and that's where we chat our serious chats. Now I don't have that person anymore. I don't speak to anyone else at work like this and now he is gone.

This guy had such a hard life. When married, he'd hardly have any sexual experiences with his wife as she got sicker and sicker. Then when she passed, he hooked up with this crazy lady. I mean really crazy where she'd start putting unknown substances in the drinks in the fridge. Well, that we the final straw and he had to evict her out of his own home. Now finally, he met someone nice, healthy, and loving. He met her the same time I met my ex gf. I guess that was a little over two years ago. but after a year, I broke up and he got married. So he was maybe married for what A little over a year? Things were happening for him in a good way finally. Now it's over. Now I lost my confidant at work.

For the first time in long while, I'm in tears. . Right now, my "work friends" basket has tipped over. I need some time to accept what has happened. I also know I can't even go to his funeral because of all this Covid crap. Very sad day today. Yet, it also helps me see how the little things in life has so very little meaning. This just reiterates to me how life is short and not to take it for granted. I will do as much as I can not to waste it and to fill it with much positive things that I can and to be as happy as I can make it. Goodbye to my friend D. I will miss you.

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