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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-05-02 07:50:06 (UTC)

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Yes, it’s May 2, and I’ve been up since 1am.
Same time the past two days.
I don’t have my Valium to help me sleep.
I didn’t have this problem when I was on it.
I would sleep all night just taking one with my other medications.
No one wants to listen to me tho.
May have to start popping 20mg or more of melatonin, when I wake up, pop more.
I’m up washing bed sheets and a load of my sons clothes.

Yesterday, the two girls came over. I went to town with BabyFace while Barbie stayed and games with Sheldon. She looks healthy finally. She is still talking about getting back together with J^^^. She said LSD and Acid is her drug of choice, showed me the different forms of acid she took. It’s all on her phone. It’s going to set her back. It concerns me.
They will be staying in a motel, just like Bear. None of them have a home to go to. It’s sad. I seem to the the most stable at the moment. And my life is hectic as is.

It’s super nice having a clean house tho. It feels great getting things back in my OCD places. If my body could handle the work, I’d be over compulsing on my cleaning like I used to do.
Got pillows and curtains for the spare bedroom. Even the kids said it looks nice.
Just need to get Sheldons room done eventually. He’s not one to let anyone in his room. I used to clean it when he was at school, but with school out, well, hard to sneak in there and get it done.

Will work on the spare bathroom today. Possibly get a cabinet cleaned out in my room and get it switched to the kitchen. I’m not holding my breath on that tho, I still have laundry to put away before anything else.

Did some more grocery shopping yesterday, got a ton of ribs and chicken, and hamburgers, hotdogs, brats, steaks etc for Mother’s Day weekend. My 2 girls said they would come over the last half of the day, and Indio said he wouldn’t come up, but I’d rather have him here, my girls aren’t going to do anything for me, it will be me doing things for them, asi always do. I’d like to finally meeti think. I’m not certain. But it might help.
Indio and I haven’t talked much. He is working 70hours a week since he got the job. Gives him something to do so he’s not home alone. Plus he’s looking for a car. So when he gets home, shower, eats, and heads to bed by 8. I have been taking my medications earlier so I am asleep by 9. So, I’m back to my 4 hour sleep pattern.

Today, I’ll be busy getting recycling and trash out of here, so it’s all out of here. Hate the fact they don’t have a pick up out here, have to take it. Having a truck would make things easier. But, I will figure it out, will just take a few trips.

I sent DD2 his jackets. I have 2 witness to me sending them. So he can leave me alone.

I want to get lights up by the garage. I can’t stand how dark it is. I’ll figure it out, even if I get solar lights to light the area up.

But, I’m doing this on my tablet, and it seems that the screen is starting to fade out on me, my phone is on the video call that happens every night.
Still not sure why. He wants to know he’s not alone I guess.

But I’m going to run 10/15 minutes on the exercise bike,then the coffee should be starting, will wash the new pots and pans and go from there.
It’s almost 330am.

My ex, limp, kept messaging me all day yesterday. He was doing his chemotherapy. It bites anyone has to go through that. I did it, thought it was going to kill me. I kept the messages simple. It’s funny how when I wanted to talk, he couldn’t be bothered, now, he’s apologizing for the way he was with me, but, I’m not going back to him. I sadly, never truly loved him. There’s not many I can say I loved with every ounce in me. There’s a few, maybe 4. I know DD2 is one of them. That ordeal still hurts. He doesn’t get it tho, little comments like “what you did wrong” like he’s some God and never does anything wrong. Always was negative about or to me, and doesn’t see it.

Well, it’s almost 4am, I may as well start my coffee, and work on the bathroom so it’s done. I’m not going to get back to sleep. I’ve been up almost 4 hours already.

So, till later.....

5:05am
Busy few hours. 2 loads of laundry completed, kitchen organized, washed dishes, made coffee, cleaned all the pictures on the walls throughout the whole house, cleaned the mirrors, so very productive.

Started my second pot of coffee.

Got a load of laundry folded in my room and the rest hung up. It’s going to be boring once I get things in place. Will end up scrubbing floors three times a day again on my hands and knees with a toothbrush like I used to do a few years back. Used to do that at night when I couldn’t sleep.
I really do need my Valium for at night. Despite the narcolepsy, I still struggle with solid sleep. I do the doze off thing throughout the day and night. They used to say it was from BiPolar 1, but found out I don’t get REM sleep. So that’s why I’m always so tired. I think right now I’m just in fear, and nerves are running high, so my way of coping is to over compulse on my cleaning. I’ve done this for years. Just had 8 months of not doing it because so many pigs lived here. Now that the pigs are out, I can focus on cleaning the barn up. Oddly I say that, I live in Amish country.....it’s all farm and open land out here.

Anyho, I am going to cook breakfast, wash the 2 new sets of pots and pans, get the old ones set aside to get rid of, and roll from there. I’m sure I will end up crashing between 10-12, then be back up again.

So, that’s all folks


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