god i love getting my feelings hurt
2020-05-01 22:57:12 (UTC)


last entry for tonight. this is scary because i told myself i wasn't going to use names, but i don't care anymore. so the guy that deserved better. hector. we met in middle school. we were good friends. he was a little cringey I'll admit. But he was very cute. warm tan skin. his curly little waves. the way he smelled of tide. i didn't like him tho. there was affection but not attraction. he told me he wanted to ask me out in 8th grade but didn't since a mutual friend liked me at the time too. i wished he did maybe i would've developed feelings and then broke up with him using that an excuse to never speak to him again. but no it never happened. we spent our first month of freshman year going to the same high school then i moved away. that's when it started. we facetimed everyday. we talked about what i was missing from there, how my new school was going. sometimes about mindless things. i think i used him as a connection to my old life since my new one was really hard to adjust to. I knew he liked me a lot. he brought various time "what are we" i knew i couldn't act stupid and say friends because he became something much more. but i couldn't get myself to like him enough to get in a relationship with him. sigh. anyways that was the cycle with us. We talked got close he would pop the question, we would fight about it, wouldn't talk for about a week and start again. i wish i can say that I got tired of it. but i didn't. in a way he was sorta a backup. the reason we would fight was because i was talking to another guy. he didn't know this but i needed an excuse to not talk to him. but then after the guy i was talking to disappointed me I would go back to hector. he always took me back. even now. i hurt him pretty badly i would say how i loved him but i didn't want a relationship with him. but then i got in a relationship with a guy. he forgave me and said that he wanted to build a relationship with me after i came back from the relationship. Hector is like my dock in a harbor. i always come home to it after time in the sea. it's secure and comfortable and it will never break my heart. i need him, when my heart get broken. and he's always there. i know he deserves better but I'm so selfish i can't let him go