agirl

god i love getting my feelings hurt
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2020-05-01 22:16:31 (UTC)

ah shit here we go again

so i have a couple of things i have to write out tonight. i. am. a. CLOWN. i always talk about self love and knowing your worth as a female. but in all honest truth i don't respect myself. let me tell you why. becuase of my deeply rooted daddy issues i can't seem to let guys go no matter how much they mistreat me. i still have conversations with the guy who was like heyyyyy i kinda want the aspets of a relationship but as friends from two years ago. AND GUESS WHAT ? he still doesn't want one with me. i lie to myself that i dont want that anymore and " use him as entertainment" but deep down i daydream about him confessing his love for me. also for some reason im still friends with my ex because i want to keep him in my life even tho that relationship was not good for either of us. also the fact that I was still talking to that guy who didn't want a relationship with me while being with said ex, says a lot about my character. also the fact that i post picture of myself to get validation from guys. wow leslie how fucken clingy can you be. just becuase i like the two little heart eyes emoji that a guy with emotional problems sends me. it's obvious why guys like me. i set my standards too low in the beginning and then when i try to set it a little higher they're like ummmmmm i didn't sign up for this. and it sucks becuase ill never get the love i crave. i want someone to pay attention to the small details and tell me about it. i want them to smile at me not with greediness but with appreciation. to not want to record me while i give them head or send them ass pics every night at 3 am. god Lmao I'm so dumb because i can have them. but i cant like the nice guys that give me that. I try i really do, but Everytime a guy shows me that i feel like breaking his heart and laughing at him cry. or i just feel annoyed and like bro get off my dick. idk what's wrong with me. I complain about the mistreatment but relish it. i won't lie in the moment when I'm sending nudes or getting recorded I feel good. Powerful. knowing i make guys horny. but then the next day i feel used. i don't deserve any good guys either. I'm manipulative, selfish, moody, a bitch, controlling. but i somehow make myself overlook that because im pretty. oh yeah I'm also extremely narrsastic but have the lowest self esteem ever. ugh i hate myself but i love myself if that makes sense. i sound like the most ugliest person ever writing this. if people ever see that this is what I really think they would want nothing to do with me and i don't blame them. I'm a toxic mess and deserve never finding happiness good FUCKEN night


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