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2020-05-01 23:10:42 (UTC)

No risk. No reward.

No risk, no reward. Last night I realized that it was a year ago that I was very stupid and hoped for something that was never meant to be. So today I’ve been lost in that. Even after having someone close to me growl and snarl because I didn’t choose him. I couldn’t. My heart wants what it wants. So, if I wasn’t in enough of a hell, I went one step further. I laid it all on the line. As I hovered over the enter key, I fought myself until I finally pushed it. I sent it. All I want is an answer. Not mixed signals. Not alluding to the future and possibilities. I need something solid. Something that I can look and finally say this is exactly what it is. I need the hurtful truth and not some beautiful lies. I can’t open my mouth too well as I have had too much bad happen. So, I write because that’s always been my strength. I’ve tried talking about things and always said the wrong thing. I’ve always assumed things and been wrong. So, this time I took the risk and have to know. If it’s no, will it hurt? Oh, it’s going to be a blow. I will heal over time as I always do, but I can’t be in this limbo any longer. I can’t keep wondering and shaking my head. I can’t but this and but that to death any longer. It had to be said. Yes, it was word vomit and I can’t even open the window to look but I had to do it. I had to bare myself because I know that my stars are going to change and it’s going to be fast. Nine months is going to fly by at the rate things are going and I want to know where I am going to land. I have plans and goals. I want to be in school and finally finish it next year. I want to do more than live paycheck to paycheck. I want a new car, well okay newer car. I want stability fully. I’m pretty much financially stable. I’m emotionally stable. I’ve got great friends and family with me. There’s just that last part that’s open. I’ve passed on so many offers in the last year simply because I DON’T KNOW! Am I with someone? Am I not with someone? I couldn’t honestly answer that. The heart wants what it wants, but the brain reminds me that I can’t sit in limbo forever.

We talked of death last night which I don’t think he was comfortable with. It’s something though. As I said, I’m looking to the road ahead and let’s be honest I want to know who’s going to be there and who won’t. I’d rather remove those that won’t because if they can’t make it now, they don’t deserve to be there then. That includes the one at my side. I want to know that we’re building a future because if we aren’t, then room needs to be made for someone who will. Good, bad, indifferent. That’s what it’s all about. Making it through all those times and come through on the other side. Saying you want something is easy but if there’s no effort it will die. And I’m seeing it start to die. No more watering dead grass. There’s a lot of ways to clean house and this is just another one of those things. I put the car to right. I’m working on the house being put to right. I’m doing more for me as I grow stronger in allowing myself these things. I’ve healed and there’s still a long road to go. I’m not fighting anymore.

There’s still a lot to do before those nine months pass. I’m still working on things, but honestly, I plan to put it all in motion and for only one piece I just want to know where I stand. I don’t think that’s too much to ask. Since I have a coffee date in the morning, it’s time to take my meds and head to bed. There’s always going to be work to do but at least I’ve finally said the words that needed to be said. Another step in the direction of forward.

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