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2020-05-01 12:29:42 (UTC)

Once again.....Fear Bleeds

Friday May 1, 2020

I slept like crap last night.
I slept with my Smith & Wesson next to my bed.
My head is in a funky mood.
Indio asking me last night what’s wrong with me.

My head......it’s in a weird, funky, dark place.

I’m going to text the messages word for word....

4/7/20 10:06pm
I’m a soft somber voice:

“Hey C••• It’s me, So are you going to talk to me or what, just ganna ignore me, I thought you were better than that, text me or something, I love you, bye”

4/21/20. 10:16am
In a begging tone:

“Hey, please talk to me. Answer my call please, I don’t know, it seems you’re the one trying to get outa this relationship, I don’t understand you, you disappear for two days, with just the minimal contact, and then you say you’re trying now, but that’s not what I call trying, after I invited you out here two days in a row, and there was no contact, so I took it as you don’t want to be with me or anything like that, so I sent you that text, and now you’re all talking like what?? Would you please just call me, please. Please “

4/21/20. 10:39am
In an angry tone:

“Hey, you know what, on second thought, I didn’t do anything wrong, I treated you really well, I let you come into my home, I tried to be a good boyfriend, a good role model to T, I don’t know what, where you went wrong, or what happened or whatever but you know what, I’m tired of chasing you, I’m tired of you waiting to decide whatever it is you’re ganna do, so you know what, you go ahead and do you, I’m going to do me, and I’m going to miss you and whatever, if you’d just send me my jackets, that’ll be it or whatever, but I do want my jackets back, ones my moms, she gave that to me it has sentimental value to me, that’s the black one with the blue guitar on the back, uh, the other one Tam•• got for me, was a Father’s Day gift so I’d like to have that, but if you want to keep that one, to remember me by, go ahead and keep that, but since you seem to hate me so much, I don’t know why you’d want to keep anything of mine, but, I really wish we could have worked things out, I really liked you, I really loved you, I really thought we could have had something special, but, you turned out to be just like all the other women, leave me hanging, don’t know what’s going on, but whatever, I’ll see ya around, well, guessing I won’t, but you’ll keep hearing from me till I get my jackets so, if you do want to talk things out, we can try, but I think it’s useless because you been trying to get out of this relationship, you tried to break up with me a long time ago, you told me to fuck off, then you tried again a few weeks later, so obviously you don’t want to be with me, so don’t go trying to guilt me into you we’re just a weekend screw, cause that’s not what it was to me, but if that’s what you feel, oh well, sorry, I thought we had something special, alright C•••• , hope you have a good life, I hope you find what you’re looking for, I do love you, I’m going to miss you, alright, bye”


4/25/20 1:15am
In the saddest softest voice:

“Hey, I just need you back”

4/30/20. 3:15pm

“C••••, are you going to keep ignoring me? I’m coming out there, I know where you live, so, it’s not like you can just disappear, (chuckles), alright, I’m trying to talk to you, trying to figure out what’s going on, but anyway, I know what’s going on, but I’m I just need my jackets that’s it, and you can go on your merry little way, either mail them to me, or I can come get them, it’s your choice, let me know what you’re going to do, I do miss you, I wish I could see you, but, I don’t know why you acting like you hate me, but you have your reasons I guess, but, hope I hear from you soon, I love you”


Sooooo, today, I have to go into town, I will have the jacket mailed to him. I will take a photo of them in the box, the box taped, and labeled, and will continue to ignore his calls.
When he said... “I’m coming out there....” it brought back painful flashbacks of my ex DA who said the same exact words, and I ended up in the hospital with internal bleeding, and damaged property. I thought I was going to die. So, yeah, got scared, made sure the cameras were recording, put the smith n Wesson next to my bed within reach, and slept like crap all night. Was up at 1am till 3am, checking the doors, walking into every room, etc.
and Indios words “what’s wrong with you” ringing in my ears, dude, “I’m not like a man, I can’t brush this off, what is it you want me to do” I said. He was asleep as I read all my journal entries anyway. So I’ll brush it off as him being tired. But yeah, I have that fear I haven’t had in almost 8 months running back through me. I’m not sure he knows where I live, he might, I don’t know. I do know the best thing I did was shut that door, the guy is so unstable. That’s a given. He has a history of domestic abuse, domestic battery, (yeah, I know, so does Indio) but all that aside, he accomplished what his goal was, to scare me. I’m going to be putting better locks on the door like I had back when DA was harassing me. I’m going to make sure the screen door gets locked so you can’t open it. That’s a little more protection. I’ll chain and lock the back door so it can’t be opened at all.

On the other thoughts.......
Video chat at night....because he doesn’t trust me? Or? I know, not the case, but I’m still saying what my head is thinking. I won’t be reading my journals anymore. Sorry, but last night, just was not the response I was hoping for, especially from someone so positive. I get he was tired. But, I was hoping for some support on calming me down, not just words “he’s just trying to scare you”, but he was dosing in and out of sleep while he said it. Like I said, I’ll brush it off.

I sent the voicemails to my email, as a back up to being saved. Glad DD2 is blocked, I can’t imagine what the text messages would be like. I also sent copies to my therapist, just in case. He will know better than my mind on if I need to truly be concerned or if it’s a wack jobs empty threats.

(Deep sigh)

Going to go into town later. Things I need to get.
My two daughters are coming by today as well. So need to pull something out for her to eat. Seen a picture off Sheldons phone, she looks healthier. But I’m nervous about the drug pin J••• coming back into her life. She is still hung up over him. Me, my ex treats me like crap, yeah, some I will always love, no matter the harm they put me through, but I sure as hell won’t be running back. Not even when I was younger. Sadly, I didn’t have but 2 ex’s from 14-30. I’ve been selective and not one to let that type of relationship into my life. DD2 was the first one I jumped head in with. Talked 4 days for 18 hours a day, and met. Not what I normally do at all. Normally I’m friends for months via text or calls before I meet. I’m telling you, there is, something special with DD2, but he is way too unstable for me. Plain and simple. There is no getting through it. He doesn’t take the time to realize what needs fixing in his life. Going to church and getting baptized is not the answer, and that’s what he thinks will change his life. It might help, but he needs to get professional-help in my opinion. He is an abuser, his words are what breaks a person down, it did me, and yeah, I get it’s easy to do with me, because of all my issues, but I’m getting the help I need. I’m working on getting better. When he seen my marks of SH did he change, no, continued to push me away, belittled me, (I’m not going to relive it all over again, not healthy)......I did what was best for ME.

Anyho, going to make coffee. Damn I’m hurting (15) and exhausted as all heck (20) but need to get up, get the other bathroom cleaned and finish the dishes I’m still working on since my daughter and grandkids left on Sunday. Yeah, the place was that bad, despite my OCD.

Indio is messaging me, so will respond and put laundry in the dryer, do the dishes, get dressed and go from there.

Till later.....


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