god i love getting my feelings hurt
2020-04-30 22:45:57 (UTC)

I love guys with commitment issues

I think i should feel bad about certain actions I've taken in my life. for example the fact that while i was with my bf i texted A consistently, both of us aware that i had a whole relationship. yesterday 2years ago i met him. well no we met when we were both 7th graders. the encounter was brief. we were at a mutual family member gathering. sitting in a couch. All i could remember was how nervous he made me feel. and how close i wanted to be near him. it was as if he generated somethig that I can't stand being far from. We said one sentence to each other that day, but i couldn't shake the feeling of intrigue off for a week. anyways we met agian our sophomore year of high school, both of us were in my cousins fifteen. yk how that goes. practices in the afternoon, learning a silly dance. we weren't partners. but we quickly gained a flirty relationship. I knew he didn't remember me from the other time. but i wish i could describe the feelings he produced in me. i felt nervou, yet powerful, i felt silly and light.when i would come home i would look in the mirror and see Bright eyes, flushed cheeks, glowing cheeks. i knew i interested him. we texted non stop the days we didn't see each other and the min we weren't practicing with our partners we would flirt and talk. i was horny for him. how could i not, he was gorgeou, smart, has a lovely deep voice, mean but sweet at the same time, it was hard not to. we took things slow which drove me insane. the way he would put his nice hands on my inner thigh had me flushing hoping we could be alone. when i sat on his lap i knew he wished the same. There was no denying the attraction we had for each other. it was there and it was strong and intense. we met in april, the fifteen was in June 2018 during the party we snuck off and finally we kissed. it was more than kissing. but still innocent. we fit well with each other. Our bodies perfectly in tune. then i found out what a whore he was. should've seen it coming. what i thought was a good start to a relationship he was simply fooling around. i don't blame him, because im not the type to imagine myself in relationships all day. I just felt like a CLOWN. after he basically rejected me and my thoughts about a relationship i kept my guard up. i still saw him during that summer. it was fun. lots of kissing and heavy petting. basically hormonal teenagers. almsot lost my virginity to him but no im not that stupid. Junior year started and OMG this is very long okay long story short we still saw each other during Junior year but drifted apart until again April 2019 of that school year. but if we're being honest i finally figured out that it was just lust and chemical with him. there were no emotional ties with him. just physical .We would never work out even if he did want something serious. then i met m, the guy who are my previous entries on. i still kept in touch with A but completely swept off my feet by M. the less i payed attention to A the more he tried getting it back. I finally confessed to A that i had a bf when M asked me. he got mad. which made me mad because wtf was i supposed to wait for him to finally cut his playing shit off and realize he wanted something with me? we had various discussions about why i had a bf. believe me i tried cutting A off. but i couldn't. i don't know why. i wouldn't meet up with him anymore but i loved hearing his voice through my phone. During the late nights i would talk to both m and a on the phone. hanging up claiming i had something to do to talk to the pther. I'm terrible i know I know . i loved that he was fighting for me to break up with my bf and go to him. you're probably like you're stupid. how can you give into his shit like that you guys had a fling 2 years ago time to grow up. I wish i could but not even M could get the feelings A got out of me. M was great emotionally and an amazing supportive bf but if A came up to me when i was with m and asked me to fuck him i wouldn't even think twice about him. my feeling for him fucked with my sexual aspect of me and M's relationship so much that i never lost my virginity to m. and now that me and m broke up it's still the same with A. During my relationship he would tell me how he genuinely liked me and guess who fell for it. i think it's a problem. i sent A nudes ten mins after m broke up with me. i was crying while doing it. idk maybe i like how easily i could lose A' s attention so as long as i have it it makes me feel special. but there is no denying the feeling he brings out of me. it's like a locked up animal being realised. it's this heat. It burns so good, i feel like I'm on fire. He's so warm and strong, when I touched him it felt like electricity. it's powerful i feel pretty good confident in my body. And it has nothing to do with his compliments he gives. lust is a fucked up feeling to have. God i wish i didn't feel this way about A.