(AmIHere)

My Thoughts
2020-04-30 20:06:54 (UTC)

A confession

Dear Diary,
I have a confession that I must get off my chest, its a realization that I just came too. When it hit me, it crashed into me like a ton of bricks, knocking me off my feet. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, I was just stuck with this realization that my life is a sham. I play parts, like an actress on a stage or in a movie. Oh how I am so good at doing this, playing each part as if I have practiced it for years. Never forgetting the lines, never messing up a scene. But who am I really?, oh I mustn't break out of character not even for a second. My role will end, and I will be alone, completely and utterly alone!
Deep down, I know who I am, or well, who I think I am. Deep down I am a wild child, I am the girl whos just waiting for permission to be. Why wait for permission I ask myself, why not just be who you think you are. I don't know the answer to that. I have this constant need for attention, and most of the time I don't care where it comes from. I have this desire to be noticed, to be seen. On the outside I look like a girl who never got picked for kickball, I'm the one who didn't fit in with the popular kids, or the nerdy kids for that matter. Always just floating along throughout my life but never being seen.
I know I'm fu**ed in the head, well aware of that, but that desire to be seen and to get the attention is still burning down deep, and I can't shut it off. It's like when I'm not seen then I get in this crazy head space where I don't feel wanted, where I feel like I just don't belong. I feel that way now, even with playing my roles in everyday life.
Sincerely,
The girl behind the masks!!




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