god i love getting my feelings hurt
Ad 2:
2020-04-30 01:48:00 (UTC)

missing him

I'm really dumb sometimes. i told the only guy ive ever loved how much i hated him early today and that's all i feel towards him. i know we broke up for over a month already but my heart still hurts whenever i think of him. not much has to trigger it too. i snippet of a song we listened to, the smell of grass. my mind balances on thin ice over a river. one little slip of memory and it feels like i fall into cold dark water. it's not numbing either it hurts. i guess i told him i hated him because i wanted to hurt him as much as he unintentionally hurt me. i wish he did hurt me. i wish our relationship was toxic and he was a bad boyfriend or did something horrible. maybe it would be easier to let him go. I don't even know why im hurting so much. when during the whole relationship i wanted to break up with him. i longed to be single and flirt with as many guys as i wanted. I never really found him all that interesting, only for those brief months in summer when we were falling in love. The minute he asked me to be his gf i found him annoying. i wished he was better looking, im extremely shallow and couldn't help thinking how much better i could do. How could i not think that when i had gorgeous guys waiting for me to break up with him, and friends encouraging me too. maybe it hurts because i loved the way he loved me. you could tell he didnt throw around affection and interest in just any girl. no, maybe it's the fact that it's 2am and the guy im currently texting isn't boring me to death. who knows