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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-04-29 12:59:08 (UTC)

Rainy Cold Hump Day


Morning.
4/29/20
7:48am.

Just getting up.
Went to bed mad. Exhausted. I was up 19 hours yesterday.

(Deep sigh)

Confusion about last night. As usual, I said something to set him off. Never fails with me. He said he’d call after he took Shelby out, but never called. I took my medications and laid down, as I’m drifting off, a text came in, do you want to video....I said that’s fine....then get the “what’s fine”.....I was too tired for head games. I asked, you drinking, drunk, or high? I mean, I knew I was completely exhausted, but when I said that’s fine to the first question, what was unclear about me saying that’s fine to video chat? It’s something we do nightly, it’s like routine. So um, yeah, assumed we would. When you say you’ll call after taking her out, and don’t call, what am I to assume? I’m assuming something came up and your busy. So the response of, thanks a lot for your assumptions, just pissed me off.
But his assumptions I went for a walk alone and SH myself and had to show my arms to him was an ok assumption?? Why not just ask and take my word on it? Why make me show my arms? That hurt, was a trust issue, and upset me. I didn’t over react, I didn’t say anything out of anger or hurt. I stuffed it, like I always do.

Does anyone understand the stress I been under the past week??

My daughter stole my dishes, after calling my son and I the names she did. And she goes and does that? She leaves, they are basically homeless for two weeks. She still had time here, why rush out like she did? Itching to get away from me. I try so hard not to think negatively, but it’s not something I understand how to do.
I’ve been working my ass off cleaning up after the 6 pigs I had living here the past year and a half. Can’t do that over night.

I had to block all my daughters on all aspects. Think that was easy? No. But I did it for my own sanity right now.

I closed the door to an overly bipolar junkie, who one minute tells me off, the next minute tells me they need me back. I didn’t respond. I can’t deal with it.
I feel like I’m ready for a straight jacket and padded cell at this point.

(Deep Sigh)

Just checking my phone voicemail, guess he called, said he was hurt by my comment and apologized for his response, said I love you, and to have a good day.

Sweet. But my hearts not melting. I’m cold, I’m callous. I’m one who’s been hurt so much, the slightest set back, just builds another wall. Just how I am. 49 years of abuse, verbally, mentally, sexually, and physically. So, sorry, just left 3 mental abusers in the last 6 months. ...and one of those 3 was a physical abuser as well. So, don’t expect me to be able to change that over night and just except everyone’s word as gospel. If you can’t understand, I GET YOU ARE NOT THEM, however, myself has been through a ton, and my head is NOT like yours and most normal people who can brush stuff off and keep going with such “let it go” attitude.

Yesterday, I used bleach, and since I don’t own a mop, scrubbed all the bedroom walls my last 2 daughters stayed in, not once, but twice. It looks a lot better, but still needs work. That alone, killed my shoulder, my arms, my energy. Then, on my hands and knees, scrubbed the kitchen floor, not once, but twice. And it still needs to be done again. That flooring is over 15 years old, no matter what I do, it will never look clean. Then, I cleaned the inside of the oven. It’s still, not to my liking. Plus, did three loads of laundry, ran into town for the food that got left behind from Sunday, filled the gas tank in my truck, got my weekly lottery, my smokes, bought my son and I lunch, (amazing 5$ will feed us both lunch) and came home to do more cleaning. All that on top of being up 19 hours, and nightmares for the past 4 nights so I’m not getting my rest.

In the past 2 days, on top of cleaning, I’ve moved furniture.

I’m stressed over bills. I’m stressed over having to order stuff that I can’t pay for, replacing things stolen from me. Plus...get this....have a drug addicted daughter getting out TOMORROW and going to live with an unstable drug addicted sister and her drug addicted boyfriend, because I won’t let her move in.

So, excuse me for not being a beautiful little colorful bubble.

But, I’ve got to get up. Despite the physical pain. Get going on stuff I want to do. Need to try and get the blinds cleaned. It was jokingly mentioned about the dust on them, it bugged me, because I’m OCD and like to have a clean house. I used to pass the white glove test, not the past 2 years. So, will attempt to get some gloves on, grab some bleach, and clean each and every strip on the blinds through the whole house. That I will not finish today, might get one done outa the 8 in the house. I’ll start in the spare bedroom. It now has 2 dressers in there, a tv, and will attempt to hook a DVD player in there. I’m not electronically inclined, but will do my best. Plus, do more laundry. Yes, always doing laundry. Everyday.

So, till later....

Enjoy the hump day.


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