Subtropical Lady

May 2020 (1)

5/1/2020 Friday 3:00 AM

My teeth are still hurting like hell. The pain radiates along my entire lower right jaw and part of the upper jaw as well. You could say it's really struck a nerve! Going to call the dentist later this morning and hope she'll get me in. Really worried it's gotten infected. I don't have a fever, but I do have fatigue even though I slept fine.

I took a 45-minute nap though I'm not sure I actually fell asleep. After I finish this entry I'm going to have to lie down again.

I also got an automated call to call a number from Dignity Health I've never seen before and to provide the code they give. I called the number and it does go to Dignity. They probably want to get on my ass for not going to the GYN. Or maybe not. After listening to it again and the fact that it's a toll-free number, I'm thinking it must have to do with our new insurance.

Anyway, between the ibuprofen and possible infection, I'm tired today but I don't have anything that requires me to be more physical than usual planned for today. I went on a 15-minute bike ride and if I have the energy for it, I'll ski later on while I watch TV. Of course I saw a skunk, too. It could have been a cat since we do have some roaming around, but I don't think so. It was running by Lawrence’s place.

Instead of being up a pound, I found I was down half a pound when I got up. I was a little surprised since I did have some processed things yesterday and around the usual 1500 calories I naturally tend to have most days. It could be because of the extra activity. My total exercise time yesterday added up to just over an hour.

I trimmed the pigs’ nails yesterday since they were getting long and curvy. I only did the front paws as that's pretty much all that was needed. I could have cut them a little shorter but didn't want to risk getting too close to the quick and springing a bleeder and putting them in pain.

There was a huge spider in the kitchen yesterday as the sun was coming up. Of course, Tom insisted it wasn't huge. Well, either way, it's the time of year to bomb the place but where the hell can we go for 4 hours with everything shut down? Instead, he's going to get some indoor spray.

Tom was looking into the prices and while it varies from time to time, it would probably be cheaper to have Candy shipped to Florida rather than get a new used electric car there. We got a hell of a deal on Candy that would be hard to find again, and electric cars seem to be more expensive in the east.

Cam has the virus. A reminder that if Tom were to go to work now, he could get sick. He's been battling every symptom that comes with it for a week. Fortunately, he doesn't have asthma. I wonder if it's going to go away on its own and how long it will take. Really hope the guy doesn't end up in the hospital!

5/2/2020 Saturday 3:22 AM

Watched a quick video clip of the Huntington Beach protesters and I can't believe how stupid so many people are. I really can't. Fun in the sun is more important than saving lives, apparently, so I hope that every single one of these dumb-ass protesters gets the virus. You deserve to die and rid the world of your stupidity if you're going to be this insanely reckless and dumb.

Anyway, I'm still having some fatigue and a whole lot of pain, but the good news is that my dentist is going to see me Monday morning. Still no fever but my fatigue and pain suggest the tooth is infected. Guess I'll find out soon enough.

Sometimes I really don't get Aly. She's quick to discuss Kim but for some reason she's been very reluctant to discuss Molly and I wonder why.

Had a dream I went into some kind of fast food place, but no one was at the counter. It seemed the entire place was deserted. So I took a seat and started voice-typing some handwritten notes I’d taken, and eventually, a few other people entered the place. Together we tried to get someone's attention, but no one was around. One of the guys in the small group gave me a number to call to see if I could find out what was going on but all I got was a busy signal. So a woman sat down with a magazine and said with confidence that somebody would be by soon.

5/3/2020 Sunday 3:00 AM

This doesn't hurt but I have this strange throbbing/tingling sensation in the center of my left thumb tip where the nail meets the nail bed. That nail has always been the worst too, as far as the discoloration goes. No idea what the hell is wrong with my nails, but I have a feeling it's not going away anytime soon and that it's not a simple matter of too much nail polish.

Anyway, yesterday was the first time I didn't have to take Ibuprofen just to sleep. Just when I woke up starting to think maybe I killed my tooth infection, I was in the worst pain ever trying to eat my delicious home-cooked meal of garlic tilapia and seasoned broccoli. It was so bad I almost cried out in pain. So I'm back to a mix of ibuprofen, ice, and this new mouthwash Tom got with analgesic and astringent in it. The only thing that really does me much good is to not eat or drink anything too cold or too hot. All it takes is something like that hitting the nerve since the root is exposed and it's like OMFG! Tomorrow morning can't come fast enough.

I haven't noticed the lump at the lower base of my neck lately so maybe that was a case of occasionally swollen lymph nodes and had nothing to do with my thyroid. I don't know.

I totally see what Christine and so many others mean when they say that sex over 50 is nothing like when you're younger. If you can get in the mood in the first place, you don't even get off like you used to. You do but you don't. It's almost like you start to cum and then your body changes its mind at the last minute. If this is TMI for some people, sorry! Happens to the best of us, though.

5/5/2020 Tuesday 8:49 AM

Wow, I'm really losing weight here. Yeah, it's called the infection diet and it isn't any more fun than the anxiety diet. I'd much rather feel well and keep my weight. So yesterday turned out to be incredibly shitty. Ironically it was the fourth, too. Went through just about one of the worst pain in my life. Not even my worst period cramps were ever that bad. With the exception of when I broke my arm, I don't even think my ear surgery hurt that much.

We got to the dentist's office shortly before 10 but no one was there yet. I began to get a little worried since I was in so much pain and didn't think to take my phone with me. But at 10 on the dot, the doctor and her assistant Dana showed up.

So I waited a while as they set things up that hadn't been used in several days. Their software did an update that fouled things up, so it took a while to get their computer system going. Then Dana checked my temperature which was 96.9 and had me use a special mouthwash.

I had been pretty sure it was the cavity in my lower molar that had somehow expanded and got infected, even though it seemed a little weird that I would get infected since my body is pretty resistant to infections and I take good care of my teeth. But I knew I had way too much pain for a simple problem. Plus, I've been having fatigue no matter how well I slept.

So they got an x-ray of that tooth which was also a problem because I'm small and they eventually had to get the kiddy paddle, a slide shaped like a paddle. They had to take a few pics because one of the roots near that tooth was longer and not fully in view.

The dentist looked at the picture and didn't see anything unusual. Nothing seemed to have changed since I last saw her and she discovered the cavity. I was confused as hell because I knew that such severe pain had to mean something was up for sure. Yet she did a bite and air test along the bottom right teeth and I didn't have any sensitivity to it at all.

But then she moved to the back upper molars and it was a whole different story. Like through the roof kind of pain!

So off I went for another photoshoot with her telling me that when there's a problem in that area it is hard to differentiate which tooth is the real culprit. Sure enough, I'm in for worse news than I bargained for. Oh, I'm infected all right, but it's not a matter of giving me antibiotics and then filling a simple cavity gone haywire. The root is dying, and she recommends a root canal. She started me on penicillin and said to let her know if I feel I need another round after my 8 days of this one are up. The reason they can't do anything until they cure the infection is that being infected renders the numbing agent worthless. Guess that explains why ibuprofen has done me little good.

I was so pissed at myself because this is pretty much my fault. The root isn't dying due to decay but bruxism. That's when you grind your teeth in your sleep. Someone got lazy and forgot to sleep with her mouthguard one too many times and that's what did it. I had no idea that bruxism could lead to nerve damage and infections but apparently, it can. I thought the worst it could do was damage the teeth but nope. So I've been mentally beating myself up for it. Yeah, I could really kick myself to hell and back!

Anyway, I was freaked out by the thought of getting a root canal done because I've heard such horrible things about root canals. Andy said they were very painful. Tom was quick to point out that Andy wasn't a good one to go by, but still.

She doesn't do major tooth repair so she gave me a referral to an odontologist if I decide to go through with the root canal she recommends since as a dentist her first choice is always to try to save any tooth that can be saved. Plus, she gave me a referral if I decide to have it pulled. This would be my eighth extraction. It would be a tough pull if I went with that because it is a molar. As long as they're not impacted, wisdom teeth are the easiest to pull, then incisors, and then molars because they have double roots. I could end up with the tooth below it lifting since it wouldn't have anything grinding down on it, but it would definitely be cheaper. Tom looked up the cost with our discount cards and it would be $200 to pull it and $800 to get a root canal. For a fleeting moment, I almost wished my parents were still alive because I know they would want to pay for some of this.

Another reason I was freaked out about a root canal was because of a documentary I saw about a guy who had one years ago that didn't feel well for years and it was discovered that it was because of the root canal. The dentist knew the documentary I was talking about and said she hates it when people see that because that case was in Australia and they do things differently there and in New Zealand than they do in the US.

Dana said she had a trauma many years ago and fell and had to have a root canal and that it was painless and no big deal at all. Unlike bridges, crowns and fillings, it should last a lifetime. The doc said that rarely do root canals fail. But then I did more research to find that yes, they can fail even years after having it done, and no, they don't always last forever. I thought the entire root and tooth would be dead, but it's actually only the root that they kill. The tooth is still alive and therefore could still be a problem in the future and get cavities.

I looked up a quick video on YouTube about the general procedure and how it's done and read the comments. Most people did confirm that it's not a big deal and a few even said it was easier than fillings. That doesn't make sense. There's a lot more drilling with root canals and it takes about an hour to do just one tooth. But that's what some people said.

She assured me that the oral surgeon could use the numbing agent without epinephrine and all that but since that particular tooth has a crown on it, I'm even more tempted to just get rid of it.

Really, I need to find a better solution for these fucking teeth! I was born with bad enamel. My teeth have been a problem all my life and they will only continue to be if I don't look at something more long-term like getting the molars replaced at some point with partial dentures. They just get worse with age and I could end up spending more money and putting myself in more pain if I try to keep up on them. If flossing and brushing religiously aren’t enough to keep cavities away, what is? Hopefully, I'll never again have damaged nerves because I'll never again sleep without my mouthguard. Last night, I had no choice but to go without it, though, because I was in so much pain from what the dentist did to diagnose me that I couldn't even put the slightest pressure on that tooth. You don't realize just how often your top and lower teeth touch each other until you're trying not to let that happen, and with the guard, I would have to open my mouth even wider to keep that from happening. I was just falling asleep when my jaw began to close, and the pressure caused enough pain to wake me up.

She said that when I start feeling good is when it's time to call the oral surgeon. I was in so much pain last night that I started to feel like I would never get better. You could have taken a hammer to my teeth on the other side and it wouldn't have made a difference because I was in so much damn pain to begin with. I don't think I've ever even had cramps that bad. Other than when I broke my arm, not even my ear surgery was that bad. Definitely just about the worst pain I ever experienced.

I haven't been able to eat or even drink much, and I appreciate the weight loss and I certainly could afford it, but again, I'd rather just feel good and be able to feed my hunger. I had a piece of bread and sipped some OJ as well as an Atkins shake out of a straw so I could aim the liquid away from the infected area. I'm starving now and hoping I can eat something with substance later on.

Anyway, I haven't made my final decision yet, but right now I'm leaning toward pulling it. Yes, the bottom tooth could lift and throw my bite off but if it does, then I'll just have that tooth pulled as well. Pulling two teeth would be cheaper than one root canal, and I would be rid of that crown too, as I said. Pretty sure that's the one that popped off when I was flossing. Both options have their good and bad to them. If I went with the root canal, not only would that cost more money, but since they would have to poke a hole in the crown, I'd have to run back to her to have that refilled. She is going to be reopening this month so I could get that taken care of if I went that route and she could take care of the two cavities as well.

I've taken a few doses of penicillin so far, trying to ignore the fact that one of the numbers on the huge pills is a 4. I took Ostrander's advice and didn't look at the list of possible side effects, but I did see on the bottle that it could cause diarrhea, even weeks or months after taking them. I'd rather that than something blowing up my heart and making me feel absolutely terrified or downright suicidal but hopefully I'll be okay. I've taken a variety of antibiotics before in my life. This is the second time since the 90s. I was in way too much pain to give a shit about my medication phobia anyway. I told Tom, who has a phobia of dentists and hasn't been to one since he was a kid, that if he ever gets this, he too would be running to the dentist real fast.

I asked about the laser and it's actually a type of water gun. Dana said it's a lot like that and it does make a sound sort of like a popping sound but the kids love it. That was comforting to know because I know that at least one of my cavities is going to be lasered.

Also, according to my research, the county quack that pulled my other molar nearly a decade ago lied. The teeth aren't lodged in the bone. Instead, they're attached to the bone by what's called the periodontal ligament.

Anyway, I'm a little stressed out right now. I'm thrilled and relieved that I'm starting to feel a little better, but I have a decision to make and either one I choose is not going to be fun at all. Do I go the cheaper route that can potentially cause additional problems? Or do I take the more expensive route that can be a bigger pain in the ass but safer? Well, hopefully safer.

I just worry that this is the start of many problems to come that could delay us from moving. The more money we have to shell out, the more it could very well hold things up. He did get his first retirement payment, I'm happy to say, but still. We're not getting nearly as much as we need to cover the basics, let alone dental issues, and there's no saying how many months it could be before he's working again. It's like something is trying to deplete our savings!

Woody appears to be dying. I noticed he started getting skinny and lately he's been sleeping more and eating less. I don't even think he's been up in the hammock recently. He seems to spend all his time down below in the plush bed that I put in there. I’m wondering if he’s got cancer or something.

Right after I got up, turned the sound machine off and headed into the bathroom after just 6 hours of sleep after being up 21 hours, I heard the motorcycle blast out. My guess is that as long as it doesn't go by the bedroom, it shouldn't wake me up. After all, it didn't wake me up coming in. It usually comes in after midnight at leaves between 3 and 4 a.m. They're rude fuckers, whoever they are, and I don't care if motorcycles are their only means of transportation either. You shouldn't be coming and going in any neighborhood but especially in an adult community in the middle of the fucking night.

We've been having Walmart deliver small orders every few days. I wonder what free goodies they'll bring today. I love how they've been adding extras. The last time around it was 15 plastic food storage containers. Plus, they gave me two tubes of M&M's instead of one.

5/6/2020 Wednesday 6:31 a.m.

Little by little the pain is subsiding and I'm getting better but still have quite a bit of pain when any pressure is applied to that tooth. So I'm not out of the woods yet. I managed to eat one full meal yesterday and although it was agony at times, I was so fucking hungry that I really didn't have much choice. An infection is painful enough, but an infected nerve takes things to a whole new level.

We cut the end off my mouthguard. It was never seated properly in that area because it was molded before the crown was placed there, and I realized that it didn't need to cover that much in order to do its job and keep contact away from that tooth.

Not too long ago, I noticed I was having thrush again and treated it until my mouth felt better but by then it was too late and the bacteria caused the infection. The mouth is one of the toughest places to keep bacteria-free.

Tom learned that Bob has much deeper health concerns than I do. He was out working in the yard when he noticed him using a walker. He was surprised because he's always been in such good shape, walking and riding his bike regularly. Then I thought about it and realized I haven't actually seen him on his morning walks in a while now. Neither of us has seen Jim in ages either. I don't even know if he's still alive.

Anyway, they learned Sunday that poor Bob has a brain tumor and will be having radiation therapy. I'm hoping that since his doctor is willing to do this on a guy that's 90, that means he has a fighting chance to enjoy a few more years of life.

I hate to sound selfish, but I really hope he doesn't die before we get out of here. I do NOT want to deal with a new set of neighbors just a few feet away ever again! I know damn well that with my shit luck they're going to be outdoors all the time and God only knows how loud their vehicles may be. I would actually be more worried about that than them having an annoying dog since most people in the west don't believe they should be brought indoors and therefore won't bother bringing them here if they know they can't leave them outside all the time. There are only two households with dogs on this side of the circle, Geri and Santa. Nonetheless, if he goes, she goes. I can't believe she would stay here by herself. I think she would move in with one of her kids or maybe to some kind of apartment with assisted living. Plus, she once told me they’d be here till one of them dies.

5/7/2020 Thursday 8:40 a.m.

Yesterday I only needed to take Ibuprofen twice and so far today I haven't had to take any. I'm now able to brush the infected area as long as I do it carefully but I do still have some sensitivity when I bite down, and quite a bit of fatigue. So my body is still busily fighting the infection.

Since penicillin is a common drug, it was cheap at just $9.21. But even if I go with having it pulled which would be cheaper, it's still going to be a few hundred dollars in the end that we really can't afford to spend now, so I'm almost tempted to just get rid of the infection and hope it doesn't come back. I still don’t eat unless I’m famished or close enough to it, and I limit where I go online since talk of food is as abundant as racism, if not directly then at least in some indirect reference.

We lost both Woody and the fish yesterday. :-( Since Rockefeller prefers his solitude, I'm going to switch him with Blitz and open the door between the two levels so that Fuzzy can visit him every now and then. That way they can each have some company. I'll have to watch the food, though, with the way rats hoard and hide food. I won't put the ramps down so that it's a little trickier for Fuzzy to climb up, especially being older and fatter, so it won't be too easy for him to steal many of the veggies. I'll make a point of feeding Blitz mostly when Fuzzy is asleep. Fuzzy has a schedule, Blitz doesn't. The pigs are sleeping more, though, as they age.

Dixie called yesterday wanting to know if I would be willing to go down and help her sort Diane's dresser drawers, and since Dixie’s had limited contact with outsiders, I decided it would be okay to go down for an hour or so and I did. We chatted as I helped her sort drawers and she gave me a few things, too. Black sequined flats which are slightly big on me, a pink knit scarf, and a small colorful canvas tote.

Through her, I learned why we haven't seen Jim. He's moved to an apartment with assisted living.

So now we can't even go a month without sawing or one week without the motorcycle in the middle of the night. If I wasn't so hot and in a hurry to get back home, I would have confronted Dahl on my way back from Dixie’s about the regular sawing going on over there. Yeah, that's the worrisome part...that he's not as incapable as I thought. The guy in the blue truck wasn't here. It was him doing the sawing. This has gotten to be way too much so I definitely plan on finding out what the hell is going on soon enough and seeing if they would be willing to move the saw to the other side of the house if they're going to pull this shit every goddamn month and more. This isn't the place for that shit! I didn't come to an adult community to listen to loud power tools and motorcycles in the middle of the night.

The more shit I hear from people, the more the idea of returning to country living appeals to me. Oh, we'll still hear shit with the world being so noisy, but at least it won't be 20-50 feet away. People just can't shut up no matter where you go. But if we can get a piece of land in Florida, at least when the neighbors are barking, banging, sawing and making the racket they do, it will be hundreds of feet away. I'm sure we'll still be able to hear some of it inside the house, just not nearly as loud. The two biggest problems with rural areas are barking and engine-gunning. I don't know why, but they really love to gun their engines out in the country. I'm sure there will be some degree of motorcycles and car stereos as well. But if I could not have to sleep with such loud sound machines, it would really be nice.

Unemployment told him it would be a few days before they made their final decision but I'm not very hopeful there. Between the government's reluctance to take care of their own and the way they're overwhelmed with so many requests, I don't expect him to get anything.

Cam is now in the hospital. Aly said his fever got dangerously high and he was delusional and gasping for breath. She's getting updates through his family. Today he’s doing better and is more alert. They hope to release him this weekend.

I didn't have any bad dreams about Cam, but I had a dream Aly's father died. Only she was living with her parents at the time he died.

Quickly scanned Molly's tweets and she's the same old miserable person who's always fighting with someone where she lives. Plus, harassing a couple of guys online that she used to know. From what “Penny” could gather, she seems to believe she's still friends with Aly, so they're either keeping in touch elsewhere or Aly finally dumped her, was too embarrassed to admit I was right about her, and Molly's too stupid to get that she's been ghosted. I think the first case is more likely and that Aly “magically” knows that I'm Penny and that's why she hasn't created a new account to connect to her from there. For some reason, she's very private when it comes to her friendship with Molly. She doesn't want me reading any tweets from any account connected to her, and she doesn't want to discuss her either.

5/8/2020 Friday 11:36 a.m.

Another day, another water shut-off. Yeah, that alone is enough of a reason to want to move. Sick of this shit, although I shouldn't have been dumb enough to attempt to do laundry during the daytime. Fortunately, the water didn't go off until after my shower but we had to pause the washer. From now on, there will be absolutely no more showers, laundry or dishes running during the daytime while we're still here since most of these “emergencies” occur during the daytime.

Tom assures me that Joy’s last complaint was not aimed at us specifically but a lot of people because many have let their yards go. There's one nearby that let their grass get knee-high. So it's not a coincidence that the complaint comes the day after I complain anonymously about the middle-of-the-night motorcycles? I guess not since I've complained that way before and didn't get counter-complained on the next day, after all.

Today is going to be 95° but in a few days, we're going to drop all the way down to about 70° and get some rain, which is unusual for this time of year. I love the warmer weather when I'm awake but it definitely makes sleeping a bit uncomfortable.

The lump in my neck has been noticeable again. He thinks it’s just a weird muscle or tendon and I think it's either a swollen lymph node or a thyroid nodule. Unfortunately, I'm probably the one that's right. He didn't think I was infected but I knew I was. I was in too much pain not to be. Broccoli is supposed to be bad for thyroids so once I run out of what I’ve got, I'll back off and see if it's less noticeable.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't need any ibuprofen for my tooth. It's still improving but very slowly. I can still feel some sensitivity if I chew on that side and when I brush my teeth.

Couldn't resist commenting on a couple of friends of Alyssa's that allow public comments. I don't know, I guess the thought of her noticing it amuses me, though I don't know that she has. She may have all kinds of nannies and other people to help her with that kid, but she's got to be pretty busy. This is the longest she's gone that I know of without changing her profile picture so I doubt she has much time for Facebook. The last change was in August. One of the friends replied that lives in Harlingen, Texas where Molly is from (I complimented her yard decor). Most of her friends are from this area so I don't know how they know each other or if they're related or not.

5/9/2020 Saturday 1:31 p.m.

Making my first slow cooker meal of honey garlic chicken with potatoes and broccoli. Not sure I'll like it, though, based on the smell of the spices it's cooking in. It has a bit of a...tangy?...smell to it.

Switched the pigs’ cages and I am allowing Fuzzy to visit with Blitz. As long as he doesn't run Blitz ragged by being too much of a pest or chew the liner, he's free to come and go between the two levels.

Heard sawing AGAIN and went out to investigate but no one was in Dahl's carport. I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. It's EVERYWHERE here. He could've sawed something and then gone indoors, though.

Exchanged hellos with Jon. He likes the progress Tom has made with the yard.

Still worried about my teeth, our finances due to COVID-19, and whatever the lump in my neck is that's sometimes more noticeable than others. Plus, I felt a mass on the side of my left boob. Pretty sure that one is just fibroid-related (those things that fill with fluid before periods), but still. My health really needs to hold up until we get out of here!

I'm also worried that my tooth isn't going to get a hundred percent better. I think where I'm at now is as good as it gets. This means I'm no longer in excruciating pain, I usually don't need ibuprofen, but I can't chew on that side.

I'm so glad I keep a journal! I recently read an article about how our memories change over time. Not only that, but I'm becoming more and more forgetful with age. Everyone should keep a journal! I read back on the details of the county quack that pulled my other molar that got infected in 2011 and forgot a couple of things. That's that he had to numb me four different times and even had to drill where the root connects. This confirms what my dentist said about antibiotics helping but not completely getting rid of the infection, and I can totally see where numbing agents would be worthless. This makes me even more determined to get knocked out regardless of whether or not I have them pull the tooth or do a root canal. I want to be as oblivious as possible!

The longer this shit with the virus goes on, the more I worry about worst-case scenarios happening. When I think about it, we could now be on a long, slow, tortuous path toward death, even though I doubt it. I sure as hell would at least like to think the end isn't near, anyway. But then who does unless they're really suffering? It's just that when I think about it, there are a number of things that could go wrong. He could have no choice but to work for Amazon and get sick and die. Or, if he couldn't find work anywhere, we could lose the place. As much as I dislike it here, I would certainly rather be here than on the streets.

Finally, I told myself not to worry about the streets because we're not going. It's that simple. Just like the two times we came close when we first moved here, that's not happening. I couldn't survive the streets. I'm just not tough enough. That for sure would be a slow and torturous death for me, so we would definitely end it before it came to that.

A part of me wishes we'd gone straight from Arizona to Florida or maybe sought a more permanent solution toward getting rid of the problem next door (even if it might have been a long battle) and remained in Phoenix. Yes, they favor minorities that aren't gay or Jewish, and yes, the courts favor minorities over whites, but at least the place would have been paid for ages ago.

Another part of me wonders about those that believe things happen for a reason. Could the medical trauma I went through be in order to prepare me for something even worse? Something like having to take my own life? I mean, I'm going to have to do it sooner or later unless I die before Tom does and I would definitely not be as terrified as I would have been a decade ago, but I would still be plenty terrified enough. Again, who wouldn't be?

I swear I'm going to slap the next person that talks about free will and how we make our own choices and choose our own path in life and all that bullshit. I can choose what to wear today, I can choose what to eat, I can choose to walk out of this room and cuddle my pets, but I can't choose the outcome of the situation we're in. Nobody asked for this virus and to be affected by it be it directly or not.

At this point, I'm a little more worried about us getting extremely ill than I am about running out of money. Despite the fact that just over four million people have had it in a world full of over seven billion people, I would think that would be more likely than anything else. So yeah, I'm worried about whether or not we may get sick, our finances, my teeth, and whatever other health issues I may encounter. I don't want to have to deal with health issues no matter what and no matter where we are, of course, but I would certainly rather deal with them settled in a cheaper place than here.

I realize that in some ways it might be better to die now than in another 30 years where I would have to endure decades of God only knows what additional shit physically and emotionally, especially physically. But self-preservation is a natural instinct that's hard to fight. I also continue to worry about what, if anything, may lie beyond. It still makes no sense that there is an afterlife since we need eyes to see, ears to hear, and a brain to think, but maybe it's like transferring digital information from one hard drive to another. Maybe there’s a way to transfer all those things from our brains in this existence to something else. I just don't know. Personally, I'm still hoping for no afterlife at all. This life is enough!

Finished proofreading and editing my 1998 journal. Although slowly, I'm moving along steadily, making them as correct and readable as I can, and it's filling some of my time.

5/10/2020 Sunday 2:30 p.m.

Right now I'm multitasking between listening to my audiobook, watching a movie, and now writing.

Oh, I'm sure I should add worrying as well. Will the weeks turn into months and then into years like when the economy collapsed? I'm guessing no and that they’ll have a vaccine by then. I sure hope so! At least this time we'll have some money even if it may not be enough. They could take away our unemployment as they did in 2011, but they can't take our retirement.

Yesterday was annoying with not one but two people using circular saws somewhere in the park. I don't know if Dahl simply moved out of view after he’d saw something or if it was coming from the house behind him but I still can't believe how much I hear this shit here. Never lived anywhere like it before in my life. I realize that even if we could afford to go where my parents lived, things have changed. Things aren’t what they were in the 80s. People weren't project-crazy (unless it was absolutely necessary) and coming and going with loud vehicles, including motorcycles back then. But I would be willing to bet just about anything that they are now. Still think we could get a place quieter than this if we went to another park but I also don't know that I want to bother with communities ever again. Where there are people there's always noise and I've always had a problem in just about every community I've ever lived in, adult or not. People just can't shut up, so there are always going to be some degree of annoyances. If I don't have the college kids and the welfare bums driving me crazy with their mutts and music, it will be the older folks doing regular projects. Even if the residents were dead quiet, these parks are obsessed with appearance and upgrading this and that, so the park itself is just as annoying. I would still hear things in a rural setting but at least those things wouldn't be as close or as often. Because it's Mother's Day, I'm hoping no one will pull anything today. So far so good.

The meal I made in what I'm pretty sure is just a 2.5-quart cooker from who knows how many decades ago came out well but I'm not sure I'd make it again. The chicken and broccoli were great but the potatoes were kind of bland. At least he likes the potatoes and even ate some of the chicken too.

Going to be making a 25-degree drop over the next few days but it doesn't look like it's going to rain after all.

Not a single comment on The Landlord on MD. Figured as much but that's okay.

The term “social distancing” is kind of funny because if you're distancing yourself then you're not social, LOL.

“Just saying” and “I'm just telling you” really annoys me. I mean, no shit you're just saying or just telling. Do these people think those they're talking to are deaf or something?

Yesterday I was starting to think my tooth wasn't going to get any better than it had gotten and was even in pain after eating. Maybe that's because I ate so damn much because I went hungry most of the day and was absolutely starving. Had to take ibuprofen too, but today I've noticed that while I wouldn't want to eat anything hard or crunchy on that side, I didn't feel as much irritation when I ate and then brushed my teeth.

I want so badly to send the termites my final piece of mind which are the journal excerpts I have on Blogger so I can delete them (assuming they haven’t seen them), but it's too soon. I told myself not to be afraid of them. After all, they weren’t afraid to bully, stalk, harass and even threaten me. But I am afraid of them, not because I fear they could get me in any kind of trouble and not because of what they may find a way to say to me directly but because I wouldn’t want Tom finding out about it due to something they either end up sending to the house or because they managed to find a way to contact him online. I knew they weren’t very bright but I didn’t think they were dumb enough not to know how to find our address. But they could figure it out if someone didn’t tell them.

I just know how paranoid Tom can get. As for me, I learned the hard way that people only have power over us if we let them have it. So I wouldn't be worried about anything they may do on account of me sending a link or the actual excerpts but I think he might worry a bit. I think he would be paranoid that I went too far and crossed some kind of line that could get me in trouble. In reality, though, I would never send anything even remotely illegal. Those threatening voice messages, however, were really pushing it. I would be genuinely worried if I'd been dumb enough to say anything like that, especially with my voice, but they knew damn well I wasn't going to involve the police so I think that's part of why they said what they said along with sheer stupidity. But yes, I could have hung them by the balls with their threats. Oh, they wouldn't have done a moment of jail time, of course, or even gone to court or paid any fines or have to do probation, but it might have earned them a serious warning. The cops would have gone to their place and lectured them like the cop that came to me when Tammy defended her abuser about my threatening voice messages to him. Well, that's all that would have happened to me had there not been an unknown warrant out on me.

The termites will hear from me one last time a year after we've moved and nothing can be forwarded to us. If I keep it out of public, they shouldn't have any reason to know when we move. As far as they know, we weren't supposed to move for another 4 years, if they can remember that. Once we get settled wherever we're going and I know it's permanent, then I'll be willing to be a little more open about my life in public since we wouldn't have to worry about potential sellers, park managers or employers. I would still be careful about sensitive info, of course, and sharing things pertaining to those I’m close to.

Ran out to Rite Aid and decided to take a chance going maskless when I had issues adjusting the mask. Oh, to have two normal ears! What annoyed me a little was the way one of the guys at the register was distracted by chatting with a coworker. I had to remind him that we wanted to leave as fast as possible. Got some mini chocolate chip cookies and merlot. I suppose we shouldn't spend extra money unnecessarily but sometimes you just gotta have a life and treat yourself. The store was kind of crowded and I was surprised to see two or three people that work there regularly unmasked. Running in and out quickly is one thing but spending all day there? I'd say about half of the customers had masks on.

I'm a hell of a lot more worried for Aly than I am for myself even though we have a higher chance of getting sick and dying than we do of losing this place. She was the one that picked up Cam from the hospital. I was really hoping that Cam would insist she stay away and get a taxi, Lyft or Uber instead. She did wear a mask and gloves but I'm still worried because of how easily she gets sick. Cam has a brother in Colorado that's also sick and might not make it.

5/11/2020 Monday 8:05 p.m.

Went bike riding together for a quick but fun ride. We covered nearly a mile and a half, and our top speed was close to 15 miles an hour.

We're having a cool spell and are only expected to get up to 69 degrees tomorrow. We had some rain tonight as well.

Been hearing more car stereos and motorcycles around here and even some commercial planes. The planes are likely due to the weather. Only heard 2 or 3, though.

Tom made us much better masks out of old T-shirts. Instead of going around the ears, you tie it in back. Much more comfortable! I have an old balaclava I was going to cut the crown out of and sew the mouthpiece of but then decided not to bother. Besides, that thing is made of knitting. They recommend cotton.

Tom asked me which I would choose if they both cost the same...a root canal or for them to just pull the tooth. Well, I suppose I would take the root canal since the other option could lead to more potential trouble than the root canal. I just wish I didn't have to have anything! As soon as one problem goes away, I get another, and it's always one fucking thing after another.

I get sick of seeing certain people like Kim that are nothing but selfish, lazy pests that never have a goddamn problem in life other than an occasional cold. You can take that health, I reminded myself, remembering certain spells I cast upon some people, but I swore I would never do that again. Karma would only bite my ass tenfold. Besides, I have no way to know what would happen and no way to call it off if I wanted to. She would get something, but would that be just a few more colds than usual or something serious? It's not like I want her to get really sick and die or anything like that. But come on! I don't care that life is supposed to be unfair. I have atresia, asthma, allergies, a sleep disorder, shitty teeth, a dead thyroid, high cholesterol and blood pressure, plus I've been through a million other things and all she has is extra weight? Well, fuck that shit. Get ready to do a little suffering because just thinking about it is going to make me pissed off enough to change that even if I didn't want to. I mean, I know I shouldn't want to. I should just be happy that she’s healthy and probably will be for many more years to come, right?

I'm mostly worried about money and pain, especially the pain since I’m not one of the lucky ones to get many breaks in life. I'm tired of suffering. I don't know that it would be that easy to get a dentist willing to at least give me laughing gas for a root canal. A chill pill, sure. But are there many that would be willing to go as far as IV sedation or at least laughing gas for a root canal? Well, Tom is going to find out Wednesday. When I get up tomorrow and take my last penicillin, I'm going to call my dentist and let her know that while I've definitely improved, I'm still having sensitivity when I eat, especially if it's not something soft.

Wednesday, Tom will call the oral surgeon she recommended and find out about costs, sedation, etc. I'm glad he's okay with being the one to call because I may forget or not think to ask about certain things that might be important.

Definitely have some kind of lump or mass on the side of my left booby, but I'm not worried about it. I suppose most people would be freaking out over it and maybe I would have 20 years ago. Then again, I did have a pea-sized lump in that same breast but in a different area while we were in Oregon that eventually disappeared. I guess that's part of why I'm not freaking out over it along with the fact that most of us don't freak out as easily when we get older. Maybe another part of it is just gut instinct. My intuition says it's nothing serious. If I've got my facts straight, most lumps, bumps and masses are benign. I know it could end up being a big deal later on down the road, but for now, I'm not worried. I just want to focus on surviving this pandemic and getting the hell out of here.

Tom reminded me that I could get a mammogram anytime, and I know that but that's not the problem. Testing isn't what worries me. It's the off-chance of being told what I don't want to hear when we're trying to get out of here that I have a problem with. I still say I wouldn't find out anything bad despite having a family history of it, being busty and just a little bit overweight, along with a few other risk factors. But just in case, I would rather get out of here or at least die trying, LOL. I don't want to deal with anything serious that may require tons of appointments and treatment until we're out of here and settled wherever, assuming I ever did have problems and didn't choose to ignore them. I already have enough appointments and things to do between my teeth, ENT and regular things like that. My ENT is next month. Don't know how helpful she can really be since the thing is basically going to torture me for most of my life anyway. I really think the bulk of my problem has to do with damaged nerves and possibly inner ear tubes more so than TMJ, dead skin shedding in the canal, or anything else.

I was watching a Lifetime movie where a woman was diagnosed with HPD. I've never heard of it before and when I looked it up, I immediately thought of the termites and a few online trolls from the past. They seem to have some of the symptoms. It's the bipolars and those with Asperger's that I’ve had the most problems with. Intense and constant mood swings are one thing, but it takes things to a whole new level when you deal with those who are extremely paranoid and accusatory like Lisa and Marie. Then again, Lori on Facebook has Asperger's and she's never been a problem like her cousin who also has it that damn near wanted to take my head off for declining her request for a texting buddy. I turned her down because I didn’t have the desire to have more than the few texting buddies I already had, and I knew she would overwhelm me with tons of senseless, silly, rambling and repetitious messages. Furthermore, I never felt any real connection with her. She always came off as both unintelligent and uninteresting. I may not be the brightest, sanest person on earth, but there are limits to what I'm willing to put up with. I guess it's kind of like associating with someone who's had a speeding ticket as opposed to someone who's been convicted of a violent crime. Anyway, she took it all wrong when I politely told her I didn't have much time for texting. She took “no” as a personal insult and attack against her, and I finally had to delete her.

I get that some people would consider me narrow-minded and a bit cold-hearted, but I do understand that most of them can't help the way they are. I just also believe that one should have the right to be selective. Just like it's okay to be picky about who we’re intimate with or who we date or marry, it's okay to be picky about who we’re friends with as well.

Etta, Bill’s sister, has a couple of accounts on Facebook. I've messaged both warning her to be careful of Tammy and her equally mean and crazy offspring, and included the link to my blog. My hope is that she’ll alert the termite to it. Honestly, though, I don't even know that she’s seen the messages. I've messaged her before so she's either not getting them or ignoring them.

Been having fun creating a recipe board on Pinterest and finding different things I want to try. I picked out some things I knew Tom would like. Because he hates so many different things, I can't include him in many of the recipes. He'll gladly eat the next one I'm going to try and surprise him with when we get groceries delivered Wednesday and that's going to be creamy scalloped potatoes. Potatoes are the only vegetable he'll eat, and bananas are the only fruit he'll eat. He wouldn't dare touch fish or seafood either. He loves carbs, processed foods, and basically everything that's bad for you, LOL.

I tried to get Molly's Facebook link, but instead, she asked for mine. So “Penny” made up some story about thinking of making an account in a bogus name because of her ex.

I've always known Molly was stuck on herself, but she's proven all the more to be the selfish emotional shitstorm she's always been by never reaching out to Penny first. She only communicates with Penny if Penny does it first. Guess that means Penny doesn't have to worry about being stalked by her! I think she's busy being fixated on the usual people anyway. She's still pretty hung up on Roman and Josh. But hey, at least she always responds.

She also brings up her attack regularly and wonders if her life would be different and if she would have ended up in Marbridge had she not been attacked. I think the way she is has a lot more to do with it than just being attacked. I think she's naturally fucked in the head. She's just a natural emotional firestorm. If it wasn't being attacked she uses as a crutch, it would be something else. Even she admitted she's a very emotional person. She's always got something to cry about or to be pissed off about.

Had a dream that we were moving only it didn't make sense because it was just an hour's drive away.

Then I had a dream I was driving alongside a steep mountainside. I don't know where I was going but Tom and I felt I would be safe and feel comfortable enough since I would be traveling on the same road the whole time with no chance of getting lost and very little traffic.

Along the way, I was frustrated because I eventually ended up with someone in front of me that was driving too slow that I couldn't pass. Then they made like they were pulling off at the side of the road much to my relief, but then they jumped back out in front of me. I could see two people in the passenger seat. I was worried they would hold me up the entire way but then they zoomed ahead quickly.