Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-04-29 05:25:49 (UTC)

once again, I'm here ..

once again, I'm here making bad academic choices. The mindset of agonizing over work I'm procrastinating is becoming something that surrounds me constantly and I need a break from it.

I am wondering now how I'll manage to get through another year of college and an internship on top of that since my attitude toward work constantly encounters friction on the matter of my capability to do it. it has a trickle down effect on my whole self-image, and I become bad at managing my emotions and unable to self-manage all around. I'm thinking it all has something to do with childhood abandonment, and my own inability to self-soothe under the pressure of expectation, and how I tend to cope by barreling through the work without fully acknowledging my own inner dialogue of sadness and panic with kindness. Slowing down to take full inventory of the toxic thoughts I need to clean out feels like a whole effort where I'd have to deconstruct my entire priority system so that social company doesn't come before personal maintenance. and not to mention I'd have to grow a set of balls to encounter my worst fears about the facts of individuality and such. which feels like a heart attack of personal pressure to maintain myself.

And now I'm getting on the grounds where I start to pathologize my own basic human need for being seen and validation of my experience. I think that I just go about these needs wrong, and I tend to avoid hard topics or the things that are on my mind since it discourages company.. ?

I'm confused now. I'm forgetting how I do talk about my problem with homework but it's also a problem others can't exactly help with since I'm my own person who has to be independent and self-reliant for mediating my responsibilities with my emotions. I can't expect others to do that.
I just do though. and I don't fucking know why I'm like this.

I have to slow down and really talk to my inner child and say;
okay, now it's time to put up boundaries and put in the work I'm expecting myself to do in order to feel good about myself tomorrow. in order to practice being a part of a society in a productive way and give myself meaning worth having, and to practice revering the things with meaning well.
and then try not to deconstruct why doing the work is what makes me feel good negatively.

which, I mean, I'm forgetting the perspective that we're all gonna die. that today is something worth cherishing, and the highest form of cherishing life itself is to learn and create. And doing schoolwork is the best institutionalized way of doing these things on a large time tested career-sanctioned scale. This is what I believe in,
do I believe in these facts more than I believe the negative counterpoints?

Because I know they're there, it's just hard to recall them at the moment. They usually surround me on nights when the effort to keep on with making an effort feels heavier than ever.

I'm trying to remember that the finite case of living is always a pressing matter, and that it means that possibility is still abreast despite any circumstance to change and grow and appreciate life anew. I try to, now that I'm becoming more aware of the indisputability of this matter. Because I did happen to bowl over this logic at one point with my frustrations about the limits of possibility, and about my level of commitment to the current state of living, and at the time everything seemed unfair. That feeling still stays with me, although much less immediately to my present scenario. I just have a handful of new shameful, regretful memories, and some good ones too, but I know how to move on from those. I just don't know how to constantly butt up against the problem of my own individuality, and how to compose myself with grace enough to digest that harsh reality, and then to manage the responsibility of individuality.

I'm

I'm tired. it's 2 am and I could've gone to bed two hours ago but I wasted time online on impulse, rather than any sort of sound reasoning. I could justify the time wasted as time spent soothing myself, and that's almost fair. I just need to remember I don't need to be soothed, I just need to learn how to do the things that make my life go, and that's what will keep me afloat through this life.

and that that's what I want.
or it's supposed to be what I want, but I also want to keep my world anything but small, and I want to be open to the growth of living life, but I'm all snake eyes when life demands me to grow out of something on it's time, and I don't know how to make myself ready, how to go the the place in my mind when I'm not ready to go, and come out a different person for someone else.

I'm too hard of a skeptic to make much progress as you can see. But I still want to make progress. just


what does that even mean.
I mean I know what I mean but why do I want it so bad. do I want to run away as I thought, because I wasn't ready to leave the past behind, I still felt the need to play out an old trauma again and try to gain mastery enough to move on. But on that specific issue I won't gain mastery the way I'd thought. I'm going to have to move on despite it and get to a place where I'm stable enough on my own to come back and make things right a different way- not out of desperation but out of care.
I guess I'm afraid when I get me together I won't want to care anymore. or I won't have the time to
maybe I can promise myself I will care.

can I learn how to trust myself enough to make big promises to myself again? Can I learn to take care to nurture myself in the smaller moments, and to learn to live better through showing up?
Can I let myself try again?




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