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Loops and Hoops
I've been thinking of a metaphor. A short while back C told me something, his own take on my thought process. You know how when you hold a chain one hoop at a time, pulling to reach the furthest hoop can easily slip out of your grasp? He said I always tried to reach the further hoops from me. It makes sense when applied to thinking; constantly trying to thinking ahead of events, predicting and anticipating the far future that you miss the present entirely, sabotaging yourself to reach that desired future.
In essence, I'm trying to confine myself to a maximum of two or three hoops at a time. It's weird, I always thought that it was a sign of seriousness and maturity to try to plan ahead as much as I could, predicting every outcome and expect as much as possible. Turns out I have to be a little more lenient and more present in the moment. It's okay to pick the easy road from time to time and this new course of action has offered more ease. And with every day I feel as though I understand him more, as if I'm becoming a little more like him. The situation doesn't go without a bit of irony.
This doesn't necessarily mean I'm giving up moments of deep emotion. It's simply not the time for them. I have it on reserve because despite the reestablished friendliness and affection between C and I, I'm still not sure about his emotional inclinations. I'm able to be on his level of emotional ease but I'm still not sure he can be in my level of emotional depth. Either way, there is no pressure to test it anymore. In this hoop I'm alone and accepting it. We agreed that if there is a possibility of some revival between us then it can't be over long distance anymore, it would have to be under different circumstances with more of each other to read and experience. It's probably healthier that way, the "normal" way.
In the meantime, I work on my own mind. My drawings have become more expressive without care. I started exploring meditation as a self-soothing technique. I can't help but feel like I have to justify that there isn't anything mystical about it. Plus, creating new habits is a healthy thing for me at the moment. I've been doing my best to maintain a wall around my psyche so as to maintain that level of calm and inner peace. Some days the wall is strong and withstanding, other days it wavers a bit. I have to keep track which day is which and act accordingly. Weakness requires distractions, strength requires staying in the moment to make sure it's prolonged. Theoretically simple, now let's see if I can apply it.
It's independence day in this country and the siren they let out as a reminder sounds so menacing, a stunning contrast to the growing flowers under the sun.