Shine

Shine's secret place
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2020-04-26 18:09:59 (UTC)

Being messed up

He is leaving for Brussels next Tuesday. After being blunted for weeks I finally woke up and cried out. He was repeating it is not forever last night, idk if he was just trying to reassure me or he was also trying to convince himself. Everything remains unknown now, so many uncertainties out there.
I told him I ran out of coffee milk then he bought me two big bottles of it, and told me that it can last for a couple of days so I don't have to buy them; he spent two nights with me this weekend, not doing anything else but staying with me. We're trying our best to give each other more so that even it had to be over, at least we could say "we've tried and spent good times together".
I do want him to stay, but, I understand that both of us deserve to pursue what we want in our lives, especially when we're young and passionate. He desires experiences of living in different places (or he's used to this lifestyle), I don't want to trap him. Myself, I also would like to travel among countries, not living in the same place. In this sense, we share the same interest, but when they clash, we have to make our choices.
I had so many heart-broken moments, so I knew it's not gonna last forever in the very beginning. But what I wanted, by then, was to just enjoy the moment. My rational mind tells me, it is merely possible that we will end up going into marriage, and it is highly possible that we're gonna stop here. Maybe one or two more months, but the result remains the same. But emotionally, I still feel sad and don't want to be done with it, I even hope our relationship never comes to the end.
I ever imagined that when we get married, we may not hold a wedding, just go traveling and spend a long time together; we can have a traveling fund and put money into it every month so that when we take annual leave, we can go wherever we want to go. Seems like my imaginations never work out.
It's a pity that before he goes it comes to my mind, there are so many things we haven't done together. I'm always regretful only when things are over.
I'm so distracted now, can't focus on anything, can't stop thinking of it, even if it's not helpful at all. I always look forward to a bright future and stay overoptimistic.
Let's see what life will bring to us. I wish I could be as non-regretful as the boy in the movie. "I'm not sad, we had good times."


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