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2020-04-26 15:25:24 (UTC)


Everything is so loud around me. I managed to block out most of everything yesterday and maintained a calm and happy mood. Today there seems to be anxiety and mess around me, through no fault of my own but the barrier is a little weaker.

I have a few things in mind regarding a To Do list. I started a new drawing with a specific concept in mind so when I feel I'm unable to write or read then I can just dive into that. I have a lecture by Tolkien that I'd printed out and reading it could open the imagination to endless possibilities. Plus, it might actually be far more beneficial to read it now, now that I have no MA essay to write. There are a few unfinished diary entries that could use some looking into. I haven't been invested in posting most of my writing publically. The diary website is sort of losing its charm, if I'm honest. So most of my diary entries end up private. Whatever seems wholesome then I post. But for the most part, I'm getting short story ideas and have been jotting them down. It all feels okay.

I'm actually making an effort not to contact C. I want to commit to being on my own; it feels good not to depend on his company. The same with A, though I've been finding it hard to get close to him in the way that he wants. He berated me the other day for not talking to him more spontaneously. I think he was hurt and I immediately felt responsibility at seeing his vulnerability, but I don't have faith in explaining to him, over the phone, my history of over-thinking and trust issues. He strikes me as someone who only wants the fun bits. Lately, so does C. Heck, maybe all men are like that. Either way, I'm working on not opening up to people in that way not so much because I don't trust them but because im working hard on getting rid of that need to have someone listen to me and care for me emotionally. I just don't want to be in that place anymore and I'm genuinely more at ease now. Then again, I wonder how fair it is to say that because if I turn to A or C with the need to talk, both of them would welcome me and listen. I'll end this thread now before I start to over-think.

As for Underbridge, he always said I could tell him anything, but he's a specific person I don't want to burden. I guess, there are hidden associations that make me hyper-aware of how I may seem to him, and I don't want to seem like I only care about telling him things but not hearing anything in return. He's very private and I respect that but the sharing would be imbalanced, and I'm not healed to the point of not caring about unloading without feeling narcissistic. In any case, I did send him an email yesterday just to check up on him during this entire crisis. So one can't say I don't reach out at all.

No, I really am working on myself. I'm trying to trust my feeling a little more, to be honest. What usually happens is something triggers a feeling but then I overwork that feeling with so much thought that I ending up acting clumsily. So I'm untying the knot a bit, and just trust myself to act out of good intentions because that's what I normally do. Although.. the fact that I wrote all this down still shows overthought tendencies...

God... fuck it. I'm going to go read now.

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