kestrel

kestrel, walking
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2020-04-25 21:52:47 (UTC)

Prompt 070: A Week's Worth of Evenings

70. If you could live a week's worth of evenings at any age (past, present, or future) what age would you choose and why? How can you bring the best parts of those evenings into your current routine?
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In other words, "When did you peak?" Or, How Can Stella Get Her Groove Back? If I were gonna live in the past, I'd go full-on prehistoric. But that's only a fantasy in my head so I have to rein that in a bit.

I can of course think back to memories of a simpler time, when I was very young, and summer nights were spent playing backyard games late into the night. Games with names like, "Flashlight Tag," "Beckon," or even "Bloody Murder." They were all essentially hide n' seek in the dark with 8 to 12 other kids from the neighbourhood, the boundaries of the play field being a handful of conjoined front- and back-yards in the suburbs where I spent most of my youth.

Then I think the best course of action is to skip everything after that until perhaps my early- to mid-30's. It's strange to think of my life like that, but I'd rather put those decades of awkwardness and anxiety - not to mention a shit of a marriage - behind me and keep 'em there. But my early 30's were spent in a ridiculous costumed rock band, then a really good country/bluegrass cover duo. I was also bicycling a lot more in my 30's. I began my bicycle rides to the shore in that period as well. My professional life was blossoming and I was highly-regarded in the local scene of my vocation, helping my organization stay relevant and flush with funding opportunities.

Fortunately, those days are just a shade less than 10 years ago, so there are still warm, fuzzy feelings and lingering shreds of my identity from that time period which, at times, I still feel today.

But that play is over, bro. Time for new horizons and shit like that. Still, if those years were my peak - for the sake of argument, let's say age 35. ...If age 35 was my peak, eight years ago, then what must occur today so I can stand on the shoulders of that giant I once was? What occurred in the evenings at the age of 35 that I'd want to bring back?

Probably the most significant thing different about then and now is that I had a partner in life, and together we thrived. We were on the same wavelength in a number of ways, and I think that's the purest and simplest way to explain our no-bullshit way of meeting problems of life and coming up with solutions. We gave each other a hand up, all day, every day.

So if there were ways I could relive the evenings in which we struggled (because it's worth being tested so you can learn what you're made of), and which we celebrated (because damn, those were my "days of war, nights of love" and the nights were fucking phenomenal at times), then that would be all right with me.

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Currently, the odd evening will be dominated by vulgar, banal questions like, "Alright, I'm 43 years old... Am I ever gonna have sex with another person ever again?" This kind of shit started after my breakup with the lady I was seeing when I was hit by a car. That was a major transitional point in my life: both physically and mentally. And I feel it was a change that I'm still adjusting to. A change that, "at times, I still feel today." ...Talk about livin' in the past.

There aren't answers to these kinds of questions, only looks in the mirror. The answers are too big, too complex, for the few words I know. And the questions are being asked the wrong way, anyhow. Aren't they?

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Monthly Goals Reflection on the agenda for tomorrow.


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