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2020-04-24 22:54:19 (UTC)

Straighten My Crown

Stable. That’s what you said. I went through the dark places and nightmares last night and now the things are coming to light. I’m not sad. I’m not even numb. I’m mad as hell. As I picked up the pieces of my shattered life without you there, I straightened my crown and remembered who the hell is my Father. You want to cry that you want stability but when it’s staring you in the face you can’t be bothered to reach out and grab it because it’s not how you pictured it. Oh, honey you have no idea. I’ve held down so many that wouldn’t even cross a puddle to be there for me. I’ve run every time you asked me to come to you. I’ve walked and sadly I crawled for you. I’ve been begging from you and I should have known better. I should have walked the other way. When I do the things for you that I would only do for a person I’m with and love only to get nothing in return? Time to hit the bricks babe. Don’t think I don’t love you but I’m about to do for me just like I’ve always done before. I’ve held myself down and I’m there once more and baby let me tell you something. It’s no secret. I don’t NEED you. I WANTED you. I ain’t scared to eat alone. There’s plenty of others willing to sit at my table and be my tribe.

You seem embarrassed for me to meet your friends outside of by accident. Irony that all my friends know all about you. Now you’re going to be a stranger. You don’t do nothing for me baby. I do for me and hell I’ve even done for you. Yet because I’m not some perfect image, you hide me away like some bad secret. Bitch please! I’m all that and plenty more. There was a time when I would be sad about things like this. Not anymore. I’ve come too far to worry on that trifling shit. You want to be ashamed of me? Watch my ass as I go. You appreciate the things I do for YOU, but you don’t appreciate ME. There’s a big difference there. You appreciate all the girlfriend stuff I do for you, but you can’t bring yourself to get there. Well that’s not for me to choose for you. You can chew my ass about being used and taken advantage of by my brother? You do the exact same thing. Chew on that for a while. You don’t feel the same way about me that I do you? Grow a set and tell me then. If you want to waffle until you figure it out? I can move on sweetheart. Can you? You want to keep me on the hook? Babe I don’t like shiny things in the water. I don’t breakdown like your other followers. I got my life. I got my own mind. I don’t have to break down to get your attention like they do. You don’t want to be with me? Don’t cry foul when I’ve moved along.

Maybe we should go back to way things were when she was living there. You seemed more content to keep me at arm’s length. Not going to lie, I’ve been bad at love. I don’t take it out on everyone, but I do keep hoping and moving on. Yes, you have all the things I would look for in a guy at my side, but there’s being emotionally unavailable, unable to communicate, and DEAR GODDESS THE MIXED SIGNALS! I’ve had about all I’m going to take of it. I’ve written yes, but I’ve always been honest with how I felt and thought. You can’t even respect me enough to give me the same in return. What are you afraid of? I think you’re about to see your fears come true. See, I’ve made peace with my demons and past. I did that last night. I’m always working to be better than I was. You? You stay stagnant it seems like. Well, you do that. Come talk to me when you’ve actually grown up. You want stable? You have to give it.

Am I afraid of saying this to you? Nope. Already covered. If I’ve learned any lessons, it’s these. You want something? You have to work for it. You have to put effort in. You have to become what you want. I have become the friend that I would want for me. I’ve buried things and moved on. I deal with them in my own time. I may not agree with my friends, but I damn well stand with them when they call on me. I respect them as much as they do me. I give as good as I get. You can take that business end of a relationship and shove it up your ass. I don’t do halves. As I’ve said, I’m not afraid to eat alone, but then again, I won’t be alone. You can leave the table. I got friends and family that love and care for me. Good, bad, ugly, or indifferent. I’m not alone dear. Far from it. I’d be willing to give you the sun, moon, and stars if we walked that path. Not sure? Ask my lovely ex-wife. Ask the Dragon. Both will tell you exactly what I give when I give my heart to someone. I’ve learned some harsh lessons in life but one thing that I have got covered is that I can walk away when it’s not good for me. You my dear are junk food. Oh, my goddess it’s great to eat but over time you’ll kill me. I even learned from you dear. I do believe that I’m even stronger than you. I stand by my convictions and principles. That’s why people respect me. That’s why people see deeper in me. Love me or hate me, they all respect me. When I see you next, you can bet that this conversation is going to happen. I’m done being afraid. I’m done being weak. I don’t need saving. I’m not a project. I don’t need to be fixed. What I need is a partner. What I need is someone that’s going to give as much as I do. Hope you like seeing what I learn and getting what you give. I plan on returning the favor.

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