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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-04-24 20:54:02 (UTC)


Friday 4/24/20

Well, Bear brought the Uhaul here. So, she is going back to Illinois.
So, I’m left with the bills from this month she was here. Typical. I assumed correctly.
I’m going to miss the heck outa my grandkids.
But, I can’t live in my bedroom. I need to go back to being comfortable in my own home. Get the place cleaned up.
I have photos of how bad trash was left around. How the dishes were never washed. Now I can get back to my comfort zone to an extent.
I will figure out what jobs hire at night, or something. I will figure it out.
I need to eliminate the negativity in my life, even if it’s my children. Sad, but true.

I want to cry. It hurts. The grandkids are what hurts to see go.
But I’ve had enough. The way she talks to me like she’s better than me. The way she never said thank you. For anything I’ve done for her. I know I’ve said thank you a ton. I’ve tried hugging her, tried talking to her, I’ve tried a lot of things, and she just is so stand offish.

(Deep sigh)

Brain is trying to shut down.
Been sick with a fever all day. Slept most of the morning.

I’m not sure what to think or feel right now. Torn.
I know, I’m not removing my kids off of block. I can’t handle being yelled at, cussed at, chewed out, threatened, belittled, accused, lied to, etc. I’m sure my daughters are all angry at me for my choice. Telling me it’s all my fault my daughter and grandkids are leaving. Um, no, it’s not. She had two days to apologize to me, she never did. Because of her words, and actions, I made my choice.

I’m fighting back the tears. I have to be strong. This is for the best. She assumed like everyone else, that I would never shut the door. They shut me out for awhile, my oldest was 5 years before she contacted me, my second oldest was 2 years, my third was 7 months, my fourth was 5 months, so yeah, I was clueless to everything in their life. They will never truly understand how hard I’ve tried to bend, mold, stretch myself for each one of them. Every time they needed something, I was there. Every time. Dropped everything. I even took time off work for over a week to get her out here when her and her husband had problems. Even spent money on car seats and clothing for them I didn’t have. Never once asked for a penny of it back. I’ve always gone beyond for my kids. My other one, called me, she was overdraft, and I dropped everything, closed my savings account and put it in her account to put her in the positive. That’s some of the things I’ve done for my kids, and they don’t appreciate any of it, never seems to be enough for them. No matter what I do.

I do plan on getting things moved once she is moved out. Will open that room up. I can get things back to the kitchen. I can get things reorganized. Cleaned up.
I will figure it out as we go.
My biggest stressor right now, is the bills, because she was here, jacked up the heat, ate food I had, and lived here, so am sure she will stiff me like my ex did.

I’ll be able to have Indio come up on a Saturday afternoon after work, leave Sunday. That way we get used to each other better once the lockdown is over. Just hope things don’t change. With my history, I tend to lose people after some time around them. Partly my doing, and partly their doing. I’m not saying everyone is at fault, I do things to push people away. That’s what I do. Most people don’t understand, nor love enough to work on things WITH me.

Well, Bear came in, said she will be leaving in a few days. So I’m guessing she is leaving Sunday. Hope she pays the bills before she leaves. She is leaving the freezer. So, that’s good. All the food won’t go to waste.

I cried a little bit. But pushed them back. Can’t let her see them. I can move my exercise bike back out to the living room next week. Will give me a few days to get things cleaned up before I invite Indio up.

Need to research the Cov 19 symptoms. I been sick as hell. Fever, puking, headache, and just have the usual body pain.

Going back to bed. Fever is back up