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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-04-24 13:46:21 (UTC)

✍🏼Death Date✍🏼


Friday 4/24/20 (almost said 94) 5:20am

Today. Today in 1994, was the day I was to die......I’ll continue in a few...I need coffee.

Ok, let’s start with, confirmation, I was screaming out loud, in my sleep yesterday. I had nightmares again last night.

Today......my adopted fathers birthday.
Today.....in 1994, was the day I was to die.
Ironic.

I’m not sure what’s going on. Nightmares are not a normal thing for me. My conclusion, something is underneath, causing issues.
Is it my chapters, becoming known, becoming heard, becoming a reality?
Is there something in my childhood I’m blocking out, that since I started the chapters is trying to come out?
Is he, coming back to haunt me? Yes, he is physically dead. 3 years now, I think. Might be two. I don’t remember. I remember getting the news, (yes, it’s only been 2 years), I was working, got the voicemail, and pulled over, completely lost, overwhelmed. Was in shock. One minute I cried, balled my eyes out, couldn’t figure out why I was crying. Then, became angry. Then scared. Knew from that moment on, he would forever haunt me. I never got closure. The monster that floods my mind, daily. Yes, he was a monster. I still, see his face as if it was in front of me.
I want to cry.

(Deep breath)
1. See my salt lamps shining to keep me safe.
2. See my hot steamy coffee next to me
3. See the time 5:55am
4. See my fingers glide across my iPhone screen
5. See my angel next to me

1. Taste stale cigarettes
2. Taste Hot steamy coffee with my creamer
3. Taste Fresh cigarette I just lit

1. Feel my tongue run across my upper teeth
2. Feel my soft fluffy pink robe
3. Feel my soft clean Egyptian cotton sheets
4. Feel the warmth of my weighted blanket
5. Feel my feet touch each other

1. Hear cats munching on breakfast
2. Hear the humming of the ceiling fan
3. Hear the ringing in my ears

I can’t seem to focus. My brain is not working. I can’t seem to remember the 5 senses today.

(Deep breath....hold....5, 4, 3, 2, 1.....exhale)
(Deep breath...hold...5, 4, 3, 2, 1....exhale)
(5, 4, 3, 2, 1....)
(Deep breath....hold...5, 4, 3, 2, 1...exhale....5, 4, 3, 2, 1)

Now, I’m a blank slate. Empty.

First thought that comes to mind....Indio.
Woke up, seeing him. His smile. He said “I love you”. “You’re so beautiful “.....
He’s taking a shower and getting ready for work.

I feel the urge to cry.
I’m not sure why.

7:18am

Third cup of coffee. Talked to Freedom via text. He has nice sunshine in England. Wish we had it here.
Indio is at work now.
DD1 I guess went on a bad trip. Claims he’s not addicted. I’m getting concerned. I think I’m going to start blowing his phone up twice daily to check up on him. I thought something was up a few weeks ago. I was concerned then. Now I’m seriously concerned. I’d be torn if something happened to him. I think I would completely come unglued for awhile. One of my best friends for a year now, like my brother in some aspects. Nothing I can’t talk to him about, absolutely nothing. We’ve talked about soo much stuff, personal stuff.

(Sigh)
He’s alive, so that’s all I can focus on right now.

Body is hurting again today (10) right shoulder, upper back, chest pains and lungs and legs from the knee down.
Exhaustion is my usual (10) despite the coffee.
Had a fever yesterday. High fever last night.

Wish my check would come in the mail. I certainly need it right now. I hope Bear pays the bills before she leaves. She was here, ate the food I bought, used the electronic and so on. So she should be paying. That’s the right thing to do. But, she is my kid, and my kids don’t exactly treat me the greatest.

But....
(Deep sigh)

My daughter BabyFace will be calling shortly. I will call DD3 as well, he called three times yesterday. This lockdown has him going loco. I’m used to the seclusion. Took me a few months after the doctors forced me to quit my work to adjust to being at home all the time. We’ve been on lockdown a little over a month, so, me personally, it should be getting easier for some to get used to. Stop focusing on what you can’t do anymore, and focus on what you can do. Even if it’s a simple thing as cook a meal. Be thankful. You could be worse. Yes, I think that way daily. I’m thankful for a new day everyday. I could be worse. I don’t really complain about my body pain and exhaustion. I will mention it, maybe a few times, but I don’t let it control me to where I think the world has come to an end.
DD3 is one of those friends that I could message every 30 minutes, and he’d be ok with that, or it wouldn’t be enough, I’m not certain. I’ll text him starting at 10am, my daughter will be calling. Worth a try. I care and do luv him, friends for over 10 years, so yeah, he’s family.

On another note, I’m looking into buying a female kilt. I’ve been looking at different ones. I’ve lost the weight I wanted, so, just need to tone up now. So am thinking of ordering one. I’m scotch Irish German so want one. I just love the kilts and bag pipes.

I think I got seriously side tracked this morning with my thoughts. That’s ok.

8:12am
Wow. I asked a few questions about Barbie, and get the “why are you so concerned with what’s going on in her life?”....
I of course, held it in, and replied “oh I’m so sorry, I forgot I’m not to be concerned about any of my kids, I will refrain from asking any questions that are ‘concerning’ and keep it about simple things like the weather, and then y’all can be upset with me about me not showing I care.”
Then she had to go on her kick “why you gotta be like this?”
And I changed the subject to what they had for breakfast, not because I’m concerned, just curious because I haven’t eaten and needed some ideas on what I might want.

So yeah, what an ordeal. Prime example of damn if I do, damn if I don’t. I’m screwed either way with my daughters.

(Deep sigh).
Not going to worry with it.

So, going to grab more coffee, log into a few of my games, pop my bubbles on Last Shelter, Rise of Empire, and collect my stuff in state of survival. Then, more coffee, possibly work on the tattoo for Indio and myself, text/message DD3 on every app then call in an hour. Then make sure I text on every app, every hour, and call every hour. It’s what he wants. So, as a friend, that’s what I’ll do.

Then probably grab a nap. I’m super exhausted.

Oooo Turkey is scooting a chair across the floor to get into something. He’s learned to unlock the safety latches. And she is no where to be found. She’s in for a rude shock. Sad things have to go this way.
(Deep sigh) I’m going to miss my grandkids.

Anyway, time to post this, and start the day.


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