chae

from my heart
2020-04-23 22:48:16 (UTC)

reed and i had a fight

6:48 pm

im feeling so irritated, annoyed, sad, and mad. reed and i had a fight. i dont even know how to think right now because of how moody i feel at the moment. last night i was already really sad and crying. i realized that underneath all the talk about sky and diego i was actually really sad because i just missed my dad so much.

right now im listening to linkin park. "shadow of the day" i feel so stressed. its like this feeling of when youre running and running unable to just catch a fucking breath.

i have so much to do. i have to wash a shit ton of dishes and i have to do all my assignments. i have to clean my room up too. i am overwhelmed.

anyways one reason why i feel so sad is because i feel like im not enough. no matter what i do i feel like its not good enough. whenever i try and do something for my mom with though and consideration towards her, its like she just scoffs at me like what i did is nothing compared to all the amazing good daughters out there. i dont want to be so sensitive but it really hurts my feelings because i really am trying to be a better daughter. but she keeps telling me and acting like what i do is nothing and it just makes me feel so shitty.

im also so upset because my sister was using this computer earlier and i forgot that i forgot to close this tab out, when i came into the room i saw her scrolling through these entry titles and i dont know if she read any of my entries but i saw her reading the titles. i guess my titles can be a little concerning now that i think about it. im just so upset because all along ive been trying so hard to be happy around her and show that im happy and positive because i want her to be happy. i want her to feel loved and cared about and id just hate it if she founded out that im not acutally really happy all the time.

i just kind of feeling like everything i have is being stripped apart from me and breaking a part. a part of me feels a little shocked and disappointed in myself because i feel like i shouldnt be surprised at this & that this is what i deserve. but a part of myself also wants to be so happy. i want to be happy and smile and be some source of light to others but damn its pretty hard. especially when it seems like the best thing im good at is fucking up, i guess its really hard lol.

im trying so hard to be strong. i tell myself that theres people out there who are dealing with way more than i am and so i need to be stronger.

the last thing that has happened so far today is that reed and i fought. i guess i did kind of lash out on him because i am just feeling so sad right now. and im in a bad mood and the weather is so gloomy. this all sounds so silly to me but basically we fought because earlier today i showed him a pic of me from a month ago, its just a mirror pic of me with a sweatshirt on & no pants. i mean its not nsfw but just a little bit i guess. anyways i never showed that picture to any one. i just kept it to myself because i felt cute there and then today i ended up showing him maybe cause i kind of wanted him to tell me that im cute or something. but instead he was about to say something and ended up saying "nevermind"

and well, when people say nevermind, i know that they had something to say so obviously i was curious as to what he had to say. and i think it was just the feeling i got that it wouldnt be something good. i took a shower and when i got back he messaged me and told me that what he was going to say before nevermind was about how he was wondering about who i was before i started talking to him.

i told him when we first got together that i used to send nudes to guys online and stuff. i only told him that because i didnt want him to date me and maybe find out and feel betrayed? or just disgusted or anything of some sort. anyways i knew that when i got with reed, all of this nude sending and stuff, i wouldnt do because i would never dare to cheat or anything like that. last time we spoke about this all, he told me it was okay even though for some reason that day i constantly was telling myself that it wasnt okay and that i didnt deserve him and how he deserved better.

so i thought we were over this whole topic but today he was explaining about how he didnt know me that well back then and shit like that. i felt kinda annoyed because it felt like he was trying to say that basically he thinks im some sort of hoe or something. he kept just telling me also the fact that a lot of people dont tell them about their past because theyre too shy or embarrassed and it made me feel so shitty because i felt like he was saying basically thats how i was.

it hurt me because he was the only person besides jinsol and honestly i kind of tell reed more things than i tell jinsol like about my dad and stuff. so i just felt hurt because i feel like he doesnt trust me when i kind of showed a a shit ton of my vulnerability to him.

anyways i feel so confused and hurt. everything feels really blurry and i just dont feel like im good enough. i keep crying since yesterday and its hard to stop.

reed said from now on whenever he says "nevermind" and i ask him what it is, he will just make something up. that made me feel even more pissed because that means he wont speak whats on his mind to me. which means we will just be misunderstanding each other and i hate having miscommunications. id rather face them and deal with them even if it makes me upset or sad.

so yeah thats my day so far today. im just really overwhelmed, hurt, tired and on the verge of crying. i dont even know if im supposed to talk to reed and tell him. i dont want to tell him im sad or anything about how im feeling cause i dont want to make it seem like excuses for whatever the fuck is happening. i just wish i could be asleep right now


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