from my heart
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2020-04-23 04:43:49 (UTC)

accepting the harsh truth

12:46 am
eventful things today:
- i cut my sisters hair & gave her bangs.. it actually looked really nice !!
- cooked meat which was really yummy
- did make up for my sister. she never lets me do makeup on her & is really uncomfortable about taking pictures such as selfies. today i think she felt really pretty. i encouraged her to take pictures and feel free & comfortable about posting pictures & things she loves on social media, to not care about what people think.
im really glad shes feeling a little bit more comfortable about herself. i try to put effort into building a stronger bond with her because i just want to support her and realize that shes loved in every single way.

now im just listening to music and writing before i start doing any of my assignments that ive been ignoring for the past two days. work is piling and im feeling slightly anxious lol.

ive been in a pretty good mood lately actually. theres so much i want to do and achieve. for example i want to get really pretty. i know this sounds like a superficial type of goal but i cant help but have this thought constantly on my mind. i know that beauty is in the eyes of the beeholder & in my own eyes i rarely ever feel pretty. maybe it is a shitty goal and i should realize that "looks dont really matter" but it really does to me. if i can finally learn to feel pretty & love myself, id be more confident, more secure. more happy.

its now 1:02 am and im feeling sad. it seems like whenever i get really happy and content, i start to feel shitty. im not mad about the fact that i feel sad or thinking too terribly. im actually kind of proud at how im dealing with it rn. im accepting of my sadness. anyways, the reason why im feeling sad is because i was scrolling through instagram and i saw skys post. then i did some stalking and went to diego's instagram. for some background info (diego was my bf abt 2 years ago & we only dated for about a week) i fell upon a post and in the comments, this person commented that diego needed to reach out to sky bc there was some "emergency" or smthn. i just feel like i really liked diego a lot. even though it was so short, i liked him a lot. i dont really know how to explain this feeling actually.

im feeling kind of dumb because i like reed and i really do love him but i feel dumb for feeling sad over diego. sky used to be my closest friend years ago and now theyre dating. i guess im feeling kind of insecure because i wasnt the one for diego but sky (my ex bff) is the one for him.

so i scrolled down to my messages and i saw the messages between diego and i. i read a few sentences and i couldnt even look at more because it hurt so much lol. i feel like im going to get judged so hard if anybody reads this because i HAVE a boyfriend who loves me a lot and who is there for me and cares about me so so much and im so thankful so i guess im feeling guilty af for feeling sad over a boy that i used to have a thing with. but the truth is, i am feeling sad about this and i cant deny it.

so heres my truth: im sad over a boy i used to like and i know hes a really good guy so i hope hes really happy with sky and feeling loved and cared for even though i couldnt be the one to do that for him. i have a lot of bitter feelings about sky because she and her mom has done some fucked up things to my sister, mom, and i & i do feel so insecure around her sometimes. & god, she was such a toxic friend but i remember the good moments between her and i just kind of miss them. i wouldnt say that i want to get to know her again though.

i hope to love myself. i should be feeling blessed. i should be happy. everything is okay. i will try my best to be lovely & kind. i will not let my past hurt and experiences taint who i am. i will be pretty on the inside. i will love my boyfriend a lot. i will love my super close friend jinsol a lot. i will be better to my mom. i will surround my life with good things. i will be healthy to myself. i want to cry right now and i will allow myself to feel. i will be kinder to myself.