I guess today is one of those days where I feel too tired. Sadness has caught up with me again because yes, it hurts that C would judge me should I decide to look at my sexuality with some spontaneity. You could say it's my fault because I've shown him to be a person with such high morals and a leniency to follow a more conservative way of life. And no, I don't want to sleep around, of course not. But I also hate that he would judge me and cast me aside. He has his reasons, but it still hurts.
I don't know what I want anymore.
Someone give me a potion to shut my emotions off for maybe a few months or so.
I took five shots of tequila because my siblings were talking simultaneously and too loud and I didn't have the heart to tell them to shut up. It's noisy in my head. I want that calm beach again. I want the water without the waves when everything for a while stood still and I didn't have to think about anything.
I miss him. I don't know if I want him back but I miss him. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I'm sad. I don't hate anyone but I wish I can because maybe it'll be a better outlet for my energy. No, I'm sorry. Hatred is never a worthwhile emotion to feel. It's such a time consuming thing to rot your soul from the inside. I just want to fall asleep in someone's arms. It doesn't even have to be romantic. I just want a good old fashioned sense of safety. Then sleep can come easily. No dreams needed even. Just rest