I finished the therapeutic drawing last night and sent it to Dr. N this morning. She replied about an hour ago and said creativity and meaning is apparent and that we'll talk about it next session. I said I couldn't wait.
I'm actually looking forward to any insight she might give me, because I realised as I was filling up the page that it was a style of drawing I thought I'd lost throughout the years. Something close to it was consistent in high school and my first years of university. The more I became preoccupied with creating "real art" the more I moved away from these abstract somewhat meaningless doodles. But by turning away from it, I started to feel that I've lost the ability to do it altogether, thus losing an outlet that allows me to be free and spontaneous. With this specific drawing, it was almost like Dr. N gave me permission to regain that freedom, to not care about judgement, to draw because that's what my mood tells my hand and there's no one to tell me that's not valid. A tap had opened, and now that I finished this one, I want to start another one. And then another, and another. Elements from one corner gave me an idea for a standalone piece. The concept of the whole exercise gave me an idea for another. Liberation is exactly what's happened and that's what I want to tell Dr. N this Friday.
The pattern is pretty clear to spot. I'm sensitive to a specific way of response to what I do for it to lead to productivity. Both compliments and criticism, if not communicated well, have been major setbacks for me. I know I'm risking sounding like a snowflake but my experience showed me that I do receive constructive criticism well. I embrace it and implement it. It's when compliments seem shallow commentary on my efforts to create meaning and when criticism is deprecating for the sake of resistance or trying to be funny that make me regret ever sharing anything. It's still a sentisitivity I need to modify by developing tougher skin, but truth of the matter is until now they unconsciously contributed to me being picky about what I put out there, and thus sharing and opening up much less. This has also taken a toll on my creativity as a whole. I've been spending more time worrying about creating things that are "perfect" than actually just creating one piece after the other, assuring practice instead.
It seems rather pointless writing about it but this is part of documenting the outcomes of talking with Dr. N as well as tracking change. I've always thought that complete awareness and understanding of something may be a good forerunner to changing or controlling it for your benefit. No malice intended, of course, only healing.
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