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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
Ad 2:
2020-04-19 22:55:52 (UTC)



Bit on the depressed side. (8)
Physical pain (10)
Exhausted (10)
Urge to SH (8)

Not sure what’s going on.
DD2 is realizing he lost me....
I’m still upset with Bear. This hurts. Going to miss my grandkids hella much. She’s already playing the BS game, so I won’t see them again. Just how my daughters are. They are mean and hateful to me. Not once have I heard thanks mom. For anything from Bear. Barbie, yeah a few times. Still mad at her for her last text to me.....

Why do you keep saying I’m doing drugs to BabyFace therapist ? Saying I was high when I sent you a nice message saying I love you so that means I’m high ? That’s bullshit I’m trying to get a 3 bedroom and that’s 900$ if hunters not coming w me why the hell would I pay for another bedroom?, why do you not want her with family so bad you just want to throw her with random people. I had a job interview today and Friday is my drug test how am I on drugs if I pass a drug test ?

I don’t, but lie anyways. I’ll remember every time I say nice things I must be high. 👍🏻 I was working to get her birth certificate and ss card, had a job set up for her when things opened again, teacher her how to drive how the hell is that not helping ?. We’ll see how well she does by herself lol, maybe Jace will come along. Iv been sending her money to help her and so has GQ she asked you to and you didn’t she had 20$ in her phone case like GQ and I are trying to help too but whatever. I barely got to grow up with GQ and Bear now I’m missing out on BabyFace too. Our family’s fucked I just wanted to help her I quit smoking a bit ago because I’m not fucking stupid I know BabyFace can’t be around that stuff and so does Bren. You give me less credit than I deserve.

So, I sent a simple reply.

Look, I don’t want BabyFace staying with strangers, but she needs more help than you or I can give her. Do you remember what happened last time you tried to help her? It didn’t go so well. I’m not saying I don’t want us to help, and you do still use the wax, which is a drug, and yes, for an addict, it’s not good to be around.

Then have her move in then, if you think you can do it, great. But I don’t want to know when things don’t go right as y’all plan. And that’s all I’m going to say. I’m sorry you feel so poorly of me.

You, Bear, and BabyFace all can live together. My last words to all of you, I love you. Good bye.

And blocked everyone on everything.
It hurts. But is necessary.

But for some reason, depression has been sitting in. Hitting hard. Almost grabbed a bottle of Bicardi. But didn’t. It’s taunting me. I look up, and it smacks me in the face. I want to cry. I want to drink it soooo bad. The way it would burn going down my throat. Oh man. The warmth in my stomach. I’d get a slight tingle in my head. It would temporarily stop the SH and depressed feeling, and I’d wake up a little.
I know, if I do, it’s going to be a bad situation. I’ll want to have more than that one sip. And that road will be consumed quickly. Then the SH addiction will come in full swing, and the depression will be amplified.
My depression hasn’t been bad, till today.

Maybe it’s because I’m so damn tired. My body has been in pain all flipping day. I haven’t eaten all day either. Just have slept.

Did get the bathroom cleaned.
(Eating 2 kosher hotdogs now)

Despite my urges for the past 6 hours, I’ve done nothing. So I should be proud of myself.

Just deeply struggling today. Been trying to fight it. Just isn’t working.
(Deep sigh)

Will grab my medications in an hour or so and just sleep it off. The urge to cry is building. Something is hurting deep in my soul. And my exhaustion is building to the point of lethargic.

I’ll just be blunt and honest here. If it wasn’t for my son, I would be turned into the ashes of my heart. Burned, and who knows where I’d go from there. Yes, I want to be burnt, turned to ashes. Go the way I feel.
I won’t be anymore honest than that. If I do, someone’s going to not understand. I’m not going to a hospital. I go through this enough and haven’t done anything to truly end myself. As much as I’d like to at the moment. I don’t know if I can hold in my tears.
I gotta go.
Going to read my bible and say a prayer.