༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻
Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
March 19, 2020
Well, Lockdown has been extended till May 24. Wonderful.
Right now, I’m barely stay afloat in all aspects of life.
And I’m booting my child out, who, seems to think it’s a joke, has not started packing, does not speak to me, has not apologized, nothing. I live in my four walls day and night. Pathetic. Sad.
On another note, my ex, tells me “don’t take too long getting unmad at me”.....
For real? Seriously?
He sends me a message every day “I miss you”, “Wish you were here”, “can I come there”...... then gets upset I don’t fall for the messages. I reply, I am hurt, and I now have mistrust and do not want to come there. I love and care for you deeply, but the trust is broken, there is no way to mend it.
He doesn’t seem to get the damage that’s done. He says “I’m over it all”, well, sadly, I don’t just let things go so simply. I don’t know why. I do forgive (over time). I do miss a lot of things about him, but since the awaking of the negativity and my urge to SH and drink around him, it just is not a healthy relationship. Not to mention his drug use. I was back in that addiction trap. Was no longer recovering, but falling. He still makes no effort to make me feel I belong in his life, only when he gets lonely or bored. He needs to fix himself. I can only be a friend to help if he allows me to. He is, one of the rare people in my experiences that I will always have a little love for.
Tomorrow Indio starts his new job. His old job is fighting the unemployment. Typical. I, am certain, that this man, even on his breaks, will message me to see how I am doing...how I’m holding up, how much stress I had to deal with, etc. I have no doubt in my mind. I do believe he genuinely cares. He said this morning, “You are a blessing in my life”. “I’m blessed and thankful you are a part of my everyday life”. Do you know, how good that feels to hear? I almost want to cry. I don’t understand how or why he says it, I don’t fully believe it, but it sure touched something deep inside my soul and heart and it felt good.
It’s like, my heart is black, and burnt, charred, and somehow, his words everyday, slowly add a chemical to the bottom (root) of my heart, and as my inner tears I don’t shed outward, shed on my heart, and that chemical he places there, becomes a fertilizer, and my tears water it, and it starts to grow these strong roots at the bottom (root) of my heart. Over time, these thick, solid roots (vines) begin to entwine on my heart....turning the charred sections into ashes.
This is how his positivity effects me. It’s beautiful, but scary.
I was surprised, Bear let Turkey come hug and kiss me good night last night. She spoke not a word to me, and was angry, but I did not let that effect my joy and love to my grandson. I love her too, but am deeply hurt, and angry at her. I do, want her out of here. Things will be tough. It will be hard, but I have faith the Lord will help me find the path I need to continue to be here. I pray that I get an attorney to help get my disability going, so I may be self sufficient. It would help me in a lot of ways, not just financially. It would help me mentally as well.
Time to talk to my daughter (9:00am)
What a wonderful conversation. She admitted to being an addict. First step to recovery. She said it felt good to open up. She is doing CBT, and I’m doing DBT. Not sure the difference, but think it’s close to the same. It was a good conversation. She agreed that Bear has things she’s not dealing with, and her negativity is not good for me, and my choice to give her the evictions the right thing to do for ME. Bear is aware she needs to leave. My other children are angry I am doing this, but I need to show them I am strong enough to stand up for myself. I will NOT tolerate any abuse, even from my children. I need to continue to grow.
We talked about DD2, and how he is not good for me. He needs to see his addiction as well and needs to grow and until he does, I need to walk away from the relationship aspect, and try to help him grow, as friends. If he doesn’t, then I can close that chapter of my growth in life. He did, show me, I can and still have true love hidden deep inside of me. I’m strong enough now, to see the warnings and to walk away. I’m proud that the good Lord put him in my life, as painful as it is to walk away from. But new paths are before me, and I am going to cry and smile and continue to grow.
But, my day needs to continue. I have things I want to accomplish today, despite my painful body. My pain has been unbearable (10) for the past week. My exhaustion has been a (10). But, yesterday I went on 2 walks. About 15 minutes. Then I start limping because of the pain. Was on a video call while I went on the walk, and Sheldon went with me. Was nice. I’d like to do that more often. Will continue to try every day that it’s nice out.
Am excited to know that when Bear leaves, I am going to be rearranging things. Will have a spare bedroom set up for possibly company. I don’t allow anyone into my home, ever. So, once I get things organized and cleaned, I may, work on my trust issues. Am excited to start making a space to sit and write, journal, draw, be creative again. A quiet place to sit and read my bible and meditate.
It will be a financial burden, which scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to be homeless again. But I’m praying, with trust, and acceptance of needing help, the right support will fall into play. I work hard at everything I do. I miss working. But my disabilities just don’t allow it. My body is literally so tired everyday, and I nap 3 times daily. Naps are almost 2 hours long. My body feels super heavy, like concrete, it burns at times, on the inside, my legs and feet burn daily, even when I’m in bed. My right shoulder always has this dull throbbing pain, that NEVER goes away. The pain becomes a 100 over the 10 mark when I move it certain ways. It’s also, hard to focus. My head is still over filled daily, or it’s completely empty and I can’t think or focus on anything. It’s like I’m a zombie mentally. It’s either too full, or too empty. I struggle with that daily. But I am working so hard on my mental growth. Sometimes I think I’m trying to do too much. Because I WANT to get better.
But, I need to shut down here, my mind is starting down this path of an overload. Too much filling up. Like I’ve been a mute all my life and can finally speak and I won’t shut up.
So I need to force myself to shut down mentally and focus on something else. Cleaning possibly, I will feel good about that, even if it’s just a simple thing and then work on my tattoo drawing that Indio and I will be getting together. That’s exciting.
So, till next time:
It’s a beautiful day! From one beautiful soul, to another,
~Know, you are beautiful, just as you are.