༺ ♡.PINKY.♡ ༻

Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-04-18 13:24:55 (UTC)

❤️Aching ❤️ Heart❤️

Good morning.
It’s Saturday.
18th?

Didn’t sleep well last night.
Too much on my mind.

Guess, first most, my kids.
I don’t understand.
Is all this drama really behind one kid? Car stated, that the kid dealing with addiction, is the reason behind all this. She is playing family members against each other.
Barbie laid into me soo hard for two days, I couldn’t take anymore. Truth is, she can claim she is clean, but she’s not. Just a week, maybe two, she was high as fuck, her own words. I try so hard to look after my kids. They are adults now. I need to realize that. I had to block her. I couldn’t stand anymore cussing me out 2-3 days in a row.
Then, Bear. I want to ask for proof of her accusations. But, am told by a friend, it would cause more problems. The fact she’s playing the f.u. game, using the grandkids, ticks me off. Last night, little turkey said he had to go pee, runs back here and gives me hugs and kisses. Runs back because she’s yelling at him. Then, comes back out a few minutes later, runs back here, gives Sheldon hugs and kisses and runs back to his room. She’s mad. Then he says I’m hungry, and runs back this way and she followed so he didn’t come all the way back here. She’s trying to turn the grandkids into this mess. I told the kids yesterday in front of her, that I love them, I want to hug and kiss them and tell them I love them everyday. She mumbles under her breath. As I walk out the door, I mumble back, it’s not the kids I have an issue with....and walked out the door. She should know better. I’m not sure what my kids are trying to accomplish. I really don’t. But all they are doing is putting me in a position that really weighs heavy on my heart. I mean seriously heavy. I’m not trying to be selfish, but it’s time, it’s time I step back. They are hindering my growth, my healing, in a ton of ways.

I woke up at 2am, and couldn’t go back to sleep.
I’m stuck in my four walls. Too scared to leave my room. Scared of what razor will come from her mouth and slice me deep. My coffee maker is in my room. Food in my room. Pizza oven in my room. My son, hides in here as well, upset with her. Angry at her. Hurt by her. We wait till she’s not here, or in her room to leave my room. I can’t wait till she is out of here. She isn’t packing tho. Do I dare grab boxes and bring them in as a hint I’m serious?

All I can think of is my kids. But, if I continue the contact, it will not be a good situation. I’m not going to argue. I’m not going to yell. I’m not going to cuss. I’m just walking away. I don’t want all this drama to push me into a dark circle. That’s exactly where it was headed. Bear alone, that 10 minutes of listening to her, I was ready to take myself out of this world. Just those words, still ringing in my head, her attitude, her just pure hatred for me.....I felt I was better off dead.

I’m glad Indio was on the phone at the time it went down. He pushed me to LOOK at him. And he talked the whole time, calmly, not just about the situation, but was reframing my thoughts. Took 30-40 minutes, but he was patient. He was understanding. He was sim pathetic. He was compassionate. He was calm.

Other thoughts on my mind....

I truly love someone, who is clearly, not good for me. I miss looking into those eyes, and feeling like I had slipped into his heart and soul. He sent a photo, 2 days ago, I didn’t see what I seen 2 months ago, he was dark, his eyes, were dark, dangerous, like being engulfed in death. He asked how he could fix things. He said yesterday, he felt like nothing he did made me happy, which wasn’t totally the case, his words were hurtful, damaging. But, somewhere in that soul, I knew, he was good and he loved me and my son. There’s just the lack of verbal positivity. His words cut so deep. So, how do I forget? How do I shut my feelings off? How do I stop the hurt and pain I feel, and move on, because for some reason I want to look back into those eyes, get lost, and smile, knowing, I was feeling like I was on top of the world every time I looked at him? There was something there. I haven’t had that in 30 years. I have and do love, many people, all differently. As long as he kept his mouth shut, things were good. It wasn’t all negative. But the negative words said, cut deep. And my heart knows, it will never be any different than it was. He is, this person. A beautiful soul, great heart, but words that cut so deep. It makes no sense to hang on to something so destructive even tho you love it completely. One of the hardest thing to admit, face, and deal with.

I’ve got a friend now, who adores me, is supportive, is everything positive. And yet, I can’t feel what he feels. Am I self sabotaging? Prime example....everyday, he tells me what he sees beautiful in me, just out of the blue. Everyday, he states a reason why he sees me as a beautiful soul. Everyday, time goes by, and he sends a message to say he is thinking of me, or misses me. This friend would do anything in the world to make me happy. And all of this absolutely scares the hell out of me. He tells me he ‘knows’ I’m a great mom, and a great person. He wants to show me how he feels for me, but he knows, it’s scaring the hell outa me, and I try finding reasons to second guess. It’s difficult to accept what he says. I’ve heard some of it before, and it ends the same. This friend knows, my struggles, gets upset when I say negative things about myself. We wake up saying good morning, seeing each other. The video is on all night as we sleep. I know, sounds weird. But he wanted to, something I’ve never done. He’s alone, just his dog, kids grown, and he’s younger than me. But with this lockdown, laid off of work, he too struggles. But he finds me, and I help him. I don’t know what I do, or how I do it. There’s no effort really, I’m just being who I am. I do have a huge heart, despite the shattered pieces. I do care, and love, despite the shattered pieces of my heart. The lockdown is a good thing for me. Keeps things at a distance. Safe. Oddly, I don’t get the dangerous vibe from him, I think it’s his past that concerns me...scares me. I don’t let it control me, I remind myself, that’s his past, he has learned, and has changed. I know this, because for weeks, we chat daily, everyday, and he hasn’t once drank, been rude, negative, belittling, abusive, etc. He cries at times, missing his kids. He understands what I’m dealing with. Everyday he says “I’m sorry” because I had to experience the things in life I went through. He says he admires my strength, that I’ve been through so much, and yet, have such a pure beautiful soul and heart. I, have yet to truly see it. I see my twisted, darkness that’s inside my mind.

I’m going to stop here. I’ve been trying to call BabyFace, 64 times so far in 20 minutes, and no answer.....so my mind is getting side tracked.

Have a fabulous Saturday.


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