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Ramblings, Stories, Fantasies
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2020-04-16 13:51:10 (UTC)

My Dark Room


4/16/20
552am

Well, where to begin.

Shit hit the fan last night.

My head.........
It hurts.
My heart.......
It hurts.

I guess, I stole Bears bank card, and used it at Pizza Hut. Sadly, Sheldon and I have never been to Pizza Hut. If I didn’t steal her stuff then I had Sheldon do it. I’m not certain what else she said. It was too much, and I literally started to shut down when she accused Sheldon and I for stealing her stuff. Something I would never, nor have I ever done.

But,

Sheldon is hurt. He’s upset. Not at me. At his sister. Second day in a row she has blown up at me, now, it’s gotten worse. I get why HP committed suicide. She drove him to it. (I pray to the good Lord right here and now, I don’t let that spew out of my mouth to her.....that would be the worst way to ever hurt her.....1/2 of me wants to, so she feels my pain and hurt, but me, myself, and I, will end up killing myself inside before I spew that to her.) I will be packing up my dishes, my cook ware, my TV, everything and putting it all in the garage.

I left a note on the board for her and the kids to be out of here by May 16.

I will figure it out from there.

I blocked and removed all my children off all contact. Blocked on the phone, blocked on Snapchat, blocked on Facebook and blocked on Instagram. All four daughters.

I’m done.
I love them.
But I have had enough.

Barbie sent me a message bitching me out, on why I contacted the therapist and told of her drug use. I didn’t argue, but reminded her of how things went the first time around. Then said, that my daughters should all live together.
Not long after that I got the “I PAY ALL THE BILLS HERE” from Bear, so she screwed with the thermostat and now the heat isn’t working right. I explained I had it on a timer, that when we go to bed it goes down to 60 because there’s no need to have it at 70. She’s been putting it at 75 and higher. My kids shouldn’t have to put extra clothes on.
So between that, Barbie, and being called a thief from Bear, her bank card of all things, I sat here, wanted to just take myself out of this world right then and there.

I wanted to cry.
I was angry.
I was hurt.
I, had many different plans within a few minutes.....
(I will not list them)

But, Indio talked to me, drug it out of me, kept me safe, made me look directly at him....reminded me of one thing most important in my life, Sheldon. He would go to foster care. He would never forgive me.

So, I’m listening to Indio, because, in this aspect, I trust him....despite my wants and urges to take myself out of this life, I battle back the tears that are building, I hold back the urge to puke. And I will come up with a game plan.

Right now, my plan....
Pack up most of my stuff. Put my stuff in the garage. I moved my coffee pot into my room. I will live, the next 30 days in my room. When she goes to bed, I will pack up. I will just withdrawal into my safe mental spot in my head, where I used to live years ago when I grew up.

It’s a nice, dark, quiet medium sized room. No windows. No lights. Just me, sitting in the corner of the room against the wall. The door is shut, there’s no knob to escape with.....because I don’t want out. I’m safe here. I have paper. I have my pencil. I still can see the paper even in the dark, to draw. The images in my head make it to the paper. They sometimes come alive and join me in my dark space. I remember my personalities joining me in my room when I was younger. And they would escape back to the paper in my head when they needed to. The book I drew on in this room, was a copy of the book in my mind.

So, for right now, I’m going to escape to my room. I know, I’m safe. I can let Sheldon in, he won’t judge me, laugh at me, criticize me, belittle me, threaten me, or be mean to me. He will sit there, and hug me, even tho, I will not cry, I will be emotionless......he will still know, in my dark black shattered heart, I love him.

I will allow people in, as I feel I can. I will have the ability to allow only the people I trust into my room with me. As soon as I feel uneasy, I can shut the book, and they will disappear. The first page of the book is a huge black circle. The last page is a huge black circle. So, when I close the book, everything disappears. I have no clue where it goes. Nor, do I care.

(Hang on, I’m physically shaking....someone I care for is adding a stress, they don’t understand what I’m trying to do here, and I don’t want to have them out of my life, but they seem to be pushing me away already)
(Sent them a message to trust me and don’t leave)

(Deep sigh)
Where was I......
(Another deep sigh)

My body is in extreme pain (10) right now.
My right shoulder I had surgery on, pain is a 10.
My head pain is a 10.
My eyelids are so heavy they feel like they have superglue holding them shut.

Mentally, I’m saying I’m ok.
I have not, self harmed.
I have not, drank.

I know, BabyFace is going to be calling shortly, I’m torn between not answering, or answer and say these exact words and hang up:
“I love you, I’ve tried to help support you, I wish you the most success, you’re a beautiful young woman with tons of potential.” And hang up, not letting her speak a word to me.

My grandson, Turkey, tried to talk to me, and Bear won’t let him. This is what my children do. They know it hurts me. There is no excuse to let me not talk to my grandkids. But, that’s ok. I will erase the memories. It will make things easier. Less painful.

I’m sure I’m getting side tracked here, that’s ok I guess.

Last night, as Indio and I chatted, he asked me something that I think the answer was hard for him to hear.

“Do you still love him?” (I had said that DD2 had messaged me)
I replied “Yes. I always will”.
I’m assuming that bothered him. I’m not sure why. Despite the pain, and hurt, I still love people. I’m that person. I’m not a hateful person.
I will list the initials of every person who has touched my life in my 49 years and if I still love them....
T.H. - No
R.H. -No
J.T.G. - Yes
M.E.S. - Yes
G.C.B. - No
J.G. - Yes
J.M. - No
C.L. - No
S.G. - No
P.M. - Yes
P.C. - No
K.L.S. - Yes
R.S. - No
R.A.W. - Yes
N.R. - Yes
H.T. - Yes
J.M.D. - No
R.T. - Yes
D.S.G. - Yes

That’s all I can ponder through right now.

Anyway, my head is killing me. My body pain is all over the body right now. I’m light headed. I’m shaking. My heart rate is 89, and I feel like my hearts going to burst out of my chest.

My daughter BabyFace just called, I declined the call. Let it go to voicemail. She just called again, I declined. I’m hurting. I want to cry. I should just call her.
One second.
Ok, I called her. She was not in a good place. She feels like everything is her fault. I made her take deep breaths in, as she exhaled, I counted from 10 to 1. Then said Close your eyes and say in your mind “I am loved. I am cared for. I am not responsible for others words, actions and behaviors, only my own” and told her, to sing my song I sang when she was growing up “You are my sunshine “ and smile like the sun she is.
I feel good. I love all of my kids. She reminded me this isn’t the first time the family has split. My daughters did the split the first time. We found our way back to each other a few years later, and now, I’m standing up for myself, and I’m stepping back from the abuse. Yes, it is abuse. Even BabyFace said the accusations from Bear are insane to comprehend. And I’m doing what’s best for me. I will not tolerate any more drama. I am trying to grow. I do not have the strength to deal with this negativity.....family or not. They think they have all the answers. They are adults. They continue to ask me for help, and I’m always there helping. Now, I need the help, and they are not supportive. So, I’m taking the drama out, and walking away, so the know it all crew, can show me how well they know it all. When their bank accounts are overdrawn, or court dates come up, or they have car problems......buckle up those adult britches you claim you have, and figure it out. I’m on vacation. It may take weeks, months, maybe years. I don’t care. When they decide to apologize to me, I’ll listen, until then, my only words I will say, I love you and good luck. I deserve respect, even from my children.

(Deep sigh)

I have run out of smokes.
I’m exhausted.
I’m going to go get smokes then come home and do groceries another time.

I’m side tracked enough, I can post this. I will continue, to be in my safe room, with my book, and my pencil. If I allow you to come and talk to me, appreciate it, if you can’t, I will not hesitate to shut that book. If ever, I feel too threatened, emotionally, physically, sexually etc, I will take that page, rip it out of the book, tear it into a million tiny pieces, and throw it down the dark hole with no end, and with each piece I throw out, I will throw out the thoughts and memories along with it. I will, survive this crossroad. Just hope, I have enough people to LOVE me unconditionally during this process, and will TRY to understand, and be SUPPORTIVE.
If not.....Fuck you, and good bye.


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