guess i'm not sleeping tonight!
"The Big Gloom" by Have a Nice Life
April 16, 2020 Thursday 2:04 AM
It's probably gonna suck once I actually start transcribing the conversation, because I was crying throughout and I'm going to keep crying, probably. Ugh, and to think I was going to go to bed early tonight, lmao. Ugh, nevermind, I don't want to relive it in detail, I will be content summarizing. I'm covered in snot because I don't own tissues (seems like an extraneous expense). My sleeves are... pretty wet. I've moved on to my quilt, lol. Toilet paper is a precious resource, so I refuse to use it to wipe up my water down nose fluid.
I don't even know if I want to summarize. I'm just having an unexpected and rather difficult conversation with Diego and I would prefer it if he were here. I'm stupid. Sometimes it feels like my thoughts and emotions are trapped behind a brick wall, but it does. And I knew it would be fine once I spoke to him. I mean, it's not fine yet, but it will be and I'll regain my emotions. Once I stop being scared.
But now I'm kind of embarrassed because I thought we were having a conversation about?? the oddly romantic tone our relationship has had since he left, but he seemed to think I wanted to stop being friends (he said, "you can say if it's one-sided. I'm a big boi," and I was reminded again that he is stupidly stable, lmao). I don't want to admit that I was talking about romantic stuff. Because maybe he thought of it differently, with a lot less weight than I did, and I just put so much more value on the words than was intended. Basically, I'm in a bit of a vulnerable spot.
Ugh, this is dumb. I'm going to study. I've been feeling fine lately, by the way. I sleep terribly, but I always have. It feels like naturally, due to environment and also self (I'm very prone to disturbance I have a hard time recognizing tiredness/sleepiness), I generally don't sleep until very late and so I never get enough. In some ways that's super fine but there are always a couple days in the week where I'm extremely stupid for some reason. That reason being the chemical gunk built up in my brain from lack of waste management aka sleep.
I'm gonna throw up. No, I'm fine.
Everything is okay. Everything is okay. Everything has been okay. I've been having fun. I get a lot of joy out of language study, even though it is also the same thing that causes me anxiety. I need to start writing again. The more you practice, the easier it gets to withstand the anxiety; the more you will trust that just because you have a bad day once doesn't mean you're good days won't come back.
Seems pretty obvious and it's something I've "known" for years, but it's really really hard to believe, especially when you have months and months of bad days.
Diego: I thought I was at some better level of maturity for being able to just be cute with you and not need it back lol
Me: I'm not questioning your maturity or anything, but it's just that for me... I can't do that. I generally have a hard time separating my emotions which is why I have to be so rigid with boundaries, because otherwise I get confused.
I feel things, and then I feel nothing
It's pretty dumb but that's how things are right now? I've found that talking about it helps me feel stuff again but the apathy/reluctance makes it hard to actually take that step
I'm getting better at it but it's slow progress
I'm sorry you happen to be a casualty
also I know I need to stop apologizing
also I know this seems dramatic
I am, unfortunately, a pretty intense person
Diego: It's not dumb
But apathy is enough for me
Diego: If that's what you feel then what can I do
It's at least clear
[why did this hurt me so much? Do I tell him it hurt? How do I explain? I decided on the following because I am fucking dumb and I think I want to get a rise out of him.]
Me: I don't... ugh. Ugh! ugh. I don't know what's going on but I'm glad it's clear for you lol.
[I want him to leave me alone so I can throw up lmao. Why the FUCK? Does this matter so much? What is happening?!?!?!?! What has been happening in my head this whole time?]
Diego: Well again you make it less clear lol
But anger is the last thing I would direct towards you so if you perceive it as less calm that's good
Me: I'd rather you tell me if you're mad
[I get the feeling he's about to kill me with whatever he says next. I am prepared.]
Diego: I just feel hurting
Aching in my sternum area
[Cool! So I hate this. I hate this. I'm in my body and I hate this. Would love if I could crawl out of my mouth. I hate myself a little—a lot—but I am trying not to. I have to remind myself that I'm doing so much better than I might've done a year ago. And I will do better next year, and the year after that. Damn—is this new medication working or what??]
He says he's feeling a bit better, and then he told me to say something mean. I said, "My type of meanery is always the offhand kind, I can't just summon it out of nowhere," hahah.
I've been feeling anxious, and I feel like—with romantic stuff—my anxiety quickly turns into apathy/emptiness. Not sure why that is, but I've been, as I said, getting better every year. I remember with Moby it caused me so much anxiety, that suddenly I couldn't feel anything for him anymore, only to realize I did feel something, I just couldn't access it for a time.
I convince myself that I only felt what I believed to be the "right" thing to feel in that situation, and that's what I've done with Diego too. Only it's very confusing because then why do I feel it? What if I just like the idea of him, is my concern. So I get to distancing myself, I don't even think about any of this, it doesn't occur to me, it is so far behind the wall.
But it came up now and I'm anxious again because I do feel something but I don't know what it is. It's something horrible and small. It's the want to have him here physically so I can hold his hand, which fits mine very well by the way, and I hate that I like that and I wonder if it's just because I'm lonely.
I think it seems obvious to an outsider, what I'm feeling, but you don't have access to all of the things I'm considering. I don't think it's as simple as liking him, I think part of me likes him because he's kind to me and clear and calm and that calms me down and makes me feel secure and safe. But safety does not equal attraction, does it? At the same time, I think I must be overthinking it.
I think I finally said what I wanted to say. Diego said he didn't want it to be off-limits, saying someone once told him that people have to hold onto hope no matter how unrealistic or something cheesy like that. And I'm weak so I agreed, but then followed with, "we will have this conversation again," and then, I said that part of me had given up already even if my feelings haven't quite caught up and I'm realizing that that is the truth.
I have no doubts that we will never date. It is true that I like him very much. But I don't like him enough for this kind of thing to last however many months until he returns for graduation and then goes back to Texas, etc. etc. It's entirely unreasonable.
I feel shitty and emotionally exhausted and nauseated. I'm numb, I feel like he's nothing to me again. That's so horrible. I just want to be normal with him, like regular people, regular friends. Instead of having the course of our friendship all pockmarked by obscure dramatics.
I almost wrote, "Okay I feel better," but I don't haha. So I'm gonna go. But yes, generally things have been good. I got a freelance job helping this lady with her documentary. I'm excited and terribly, terribly, terribly anxious. It's fine though, I'm always painfully anxious the first couple weeks after starting a new job.
It's three in the morning now. Okay Diego and I are playing a little phone game together so I gotta go. Ugh what a wonderful boy.