Nala Toph

Written Thoughts
2020-04-15 17:10:11 (UTC)

This Quarantine

I kept on thinking I wouldn't be affected too much. I kept telling myself that I can get through this. We were told another few weeks but now we're told months. I haven't talked to anyone today. Dad is getting upset with my silence. I hear him yelling, I know what he is saying, but the words are stuck in my throat. I cannot speak. I am muted. I'm going mad. Violence is coming back, I can feel it. I just might take it out on Cruz if I see him soon. I need help. I have a plague, it's not COVID-19, it's anger. I'm waiting for an excuse to kill someone. My mind as turned black. Will I hit rock bottom again? Will I start hiding in scary masks again? I don't know who I want to be, I'm left confused, I want to be the hero but I'm scared of being the villain. My emotions belong to someone different than my thoughts. I have a heart of an anarchist and the brain of a fascist. In my heart I'm an equal opportunity lover but my brain has a cruel agenda. Why can't I speak! why CAN'T I SCREAM! I'm not sick, I'm not near anyone who is sick. but I sure as hell am being affected. I would have loved this back in 5-10th grade. I'm in 11th grade, I finally got my shit together and what happened? no education... Yeha I have schooling, but I'm not learning. I got into Fire Science and I was on my way to being a fire fighter. Is it going to end? is it?? FUCKING TELL ME, IS IT? How do you know? How does anyone know? We're told just a COUPLE WEEKS but now it's MONTHS!!! I have no more school, it's unfair. Don't give me that "life isn't fair" bullshit. YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT'S MORE THREATENING THAN A FUCKING VIRUS? A GUN! A FUCKING BULLET. By god, I WAS THIS FUCKING CLOSE. "it's not all lost" how do you know? you don't, you don't know when it will be over. Before I thought of killing teachers but I know who is my enemy now. This year I had some good teachers, they helped remind me that not all of them are bad. Politicians on the other hand are evil, all of them. Only good politician is a dead one. I've gone mad and I'm not even in solitary. I have people here, people trying to see me, friends I can currently talk to, family who loves me. BUT OUR GOVERNMENT HAD TO BE AUTHORITATIVE. God, my muscles are tensing up right now. I'm so tightly locked, my fingers are shaking with rage as I type this. I must get out, I must run away. Our media has built up so much paranoia. I hear this virus kills mostly only elders.. well that's good, I hope Bernie chokes on it. I hope the Clinton's choke on it, ALL OF THEM CAN FUCKING CHOKE ON IT. I want go out side and help the spread just as a way of saying "Fuck You" to everyone. Have I become radical? Am I insane? yeah probably.

Currently I'm rocking back in forth in my chair, I don't know what to do. I'm shaking. I'm scared. I'm ready to kill.. This is their undoing.. I didn't want this. I wanted a happy life. But I see now that it is being taken from me. I've had ups and downs... but I don't think I can take this.. I want school, I want an education, I want to see the people. I want the community who knows me.

I'm ready to run away again.. but this time I'm moving beyond the park..

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