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Ramblings & RL Stories
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2020-04-15 15:22:59 (UTC)

Heart on my Sleeve


Wednesday
4/15/20
750am

Didn’t want to get up.
Still fighting back tears.
Been able to hide it from others.
Ended up trying to peel off the scab to my burn last night and it bled through my bandage and 2 layers of bandage wrap. Go figure.

Still upset with Bear.
Not sure I will be able to look or talk to her. She’s no different than my ex’s in that aspect. Thinks she is better than me with her snide comments. Then makes statements that she knows will hurt.
She’s not here to help her mom out because she loves and cares for me.

8:23am
Spoke with BabyFace. She agreed to do a mental step down program. Things are too hectic with family right now, she doesn’t need it and neither do we. She cried. She wants a therapist, not a Councelor.

My body aches today (10)
My exhaustion (10)
Depression (8)
Headache (6)
Disappointed (8)
Overwhelmed (10)
Urge to cry (10)
Urge to SH (10)
Confusion (9)

Things I can see:
1. Little Turkey opening my bedroom door. His beautiful smile. Blonde hair.
2. My orchid. Has a new bulb trying to start to form.
3. The sunlight shining in through the window.
4. The 3rd degree burn on my wrist. The blood that bled through a whole gauze and two layers of bandage wrapping.
5. My clothes, folded, in the clean hamper, that needs to be put away. I’ve been lazy and neglecting putting them away.

Things I can taste:
1. The after taste of the creamer that was in my coffee. Sweet.
2. The cigarette that I’m currently smoking.
3. The taste of weed even tho I don’t smoke it.
4. A salty, yet metallic taste for some reason.
5. The warmth of the sip of coffee I just took in my pink glitter Harley Davidson Wednesday coffee mug. (It’s doesn’t say Wednesday on it, I wrote Wed on the bottom of the mug because I use a different mug every day of the week, and each day is labeled on the bottom of each mug.)

Things I can hear:
1. Rad out in the living room arguing with his brother Turkey. Turkey wants to play with Rad, but Rad wants to play by himself.
2. The cats taunting each other, in a playful manner, running around and going under my platform bed frame.
3. The tractor in the distance out in the field, getting ready to either spread manure or plant they crops for this fall.
4. The birds chirping outside, wanting to be fed, one on the roof, pecking, sounding like someone’s knocking on the roof.
5. The slight whirling of the ceiling fan. With each rotation, sounding the a clicking of a clock.

Things I can feel:
1. The soft silk Victoria Secret pajamas on my dehydrated skin.
2. The extremely heaviness of my eye lids, which feel so heavy it takes every bit of energy out of me to keep them open.
3. The pain in the left side of my chest. It’s sharp, then dull, never goes away. Been hurting for a few days now. It’s a heavy feeling as well as the pain, like a concrete block is on my chest.
4. My right palm is itching.
5. My ankles that are throbbing, feeling heavy, swollen.

Things I can smell:
1. Sadly, nothing.

Now, that’s kept my mind from wondering, however, exhausted me.

I’m confused on what to do, think, or respond to DD2. He made a few comments yesterday out of the blue. Just clearly out of no where.
1. I love you Christina.
2. I feel like I’m going to lose you.
3. You’re a beautiful woman.
4. You’re a very special woman.
5. Why don’t you talk to me anymore? Have you given up on me?

Ok.....high? Yes. Lonely? Yes. Yes to both I’m sure. What about my last message did he not understand? He knows, I love him. There’s no doubt. My son loves him. There’s no doubt. Is he playing head games because of that? Is he really, in his heart, trying to figure things out to better his life?
Can I get past the hurt? Probably not. I never want to set foot in his home again, ever. All over a $10 Bear I BOUGHT. It makes no sense.
For 3 weeks, I listened to all the negative things he seen in me, my family, and so on.....
1. I’m depressed.
2. My life has too much drama.
3. I baby Sheldon.
4. I let people walk all over me.
5. Sheldon screwed his xbox up.
6. I don’t eat.
7. I’m the devil, when I look at him for too long.
8. I’m hung up on my ex’s.
9. He can’t help me.
10. I over think.
11. I’m in my head too much.
12. I played head games.
13. I don’t allow him to come to my home.
14. Everything is about sex with me.
15. I used him as a weekend piece of meat.
16. Our relationship made him feel like he was ‘married’.
17. Why do you feel the need to talk to me everyday?
18. I’m too clingy.
19. I’m a thief because of the $10 Bear I bought.
20. I used him as a weekend get away.
21. I play men.
22. I have only male friends.
23. My glasses of wine were an issue but his weed use was not.
24. He has list of “I won’t tolerate”, but I could not have one.
25. I was ‘checking up on him’
26. I wanted more of a relationship than he did which put too much pressure on him.
27. I pissed him off when I ‘didn’t enjoy’ things.
28. I was too uptight.
29. Started out talking all the time and listened, then after meeting said “I’m busy, I can’t talk to you all the time”
30. Got tired of hearing things of my life, past.
31. He changed his status to single after I left his home, never once talking to me.
32. I’m being childish.
33. I shouldn’t have an issue with him talking to his ex that he had no children with, but it’s wrong of me to talk to mine.
34. I sleep too much.

Shall I go on? I can. I could. All that in 3 weeks. That’s a ton of negativity. So yep, I shut the door. Blocked him on everything. Took a week to leave a blocked voicemail. I’m happier in a lot of aspects. Since I’ve stopped communicating with him, the self harm has stopped. The urges are there. It’s become an addiction to SH. Makes me feel alive. I don’t feel the physical pain of it as I’m doing it, but feel the warmth of the blood, which feels good. To see the blood pour down my skin, feeling the warmth, it’s intoxicating. It’s like a drug. I get this slight high feeling from it.
(Deep sigh)
But I’ve had the urges, and have not done anything. I talk it out with Indio.


9:29am
Just spoke with Car about BabyFace. Seems to be a concern about her behavior the past few days. She still is not accepting the fact she is an addict and has an addiction issue. She is not taking responsibility for her actions, that’s the BabyFace I know.

10:03am
Indio is going for his job interview. Good luck. I know he’s going stir crazy having nothing to do and being home all day, something he’s not used to. Sadly, I am, so this isolation is not as difficult for me as it is for most who haven’t been forced with it till now.

I have three of my babies laying on me, all sleeping. They love me.

Bear just gave me some Keureg coffee she doesn’t want. She seemed decent. I however, can’t seem to let go of my hurt, anger, disappointment, and mistrust feelings I have from yesterday.

Had a friend yesterday, lie to me. I’m not stupid. I might over look a ton because we have known each other so long, but lying to me, really did cross a line. I don’t appreciate being lied to, it belittles me, and just burns me up. I care and love him dearly, but I know darn good and well, he knew what he was doing. There’s been comments made public for the past month that are disrespectful, and I’ve over looked it. I don’t want the friendship to end, or change, but some things should not be said, it IS disrespectful. I probably contributed to it. And for that, I’m sorry. I didn’t do things to have myself disrespected, but to help him get more comfortable with himself, and it seems to have undrawn a line in the sand for respect.

I’m beyond exhausted. Going to grab a nap


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