Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2020-04-15 05:06:08 (UTC)

Made a new buddy today. This ..

Made a new buddy today. This cat my roommate and I found outdoors was starving and we've taken him in. They've been so gracious as to take leadership in getting him checked out properly and taken care of; I've been keeping him company in my room all evening away from the other cats. And this boy is so sweet, so polite, and so well behaved. Glad to give him a home, it feels like an honor.

That aside, which I'm glad for, since I'm starting to feel like I have something to make proud, I have a lot on my plate internally. Spending time with this little boy restored some of the sanity I didn't know I'd lost. I've been spending a lot of time with my roommates lately, feeling sort of un-centered but glad to have their company, and it's been hard for me to find a way back to the passion I'd been maintaining before, when I was lonely.
And I've really been having a rough day mentally, since these things I have to tend to academically aren't being maintained and my self image is crippled by my lack of trying, and I am mainly concerned by how my social skills keep degenerating in quarantine, even around my roommates who are so kind as to not be bothered by my quietness.

it's a big rant in my head about who I am not being that keeps hurting me, and I'm trying to put it to rest, yet my mind still keeps buzzing with all this uncertainty, and keeps me avoiding the next step. And my head puts words together without care for what the words are anymore, they're just a lifeline I cling to, rather than a utensil of communication, and I worry about that.

This boy, I think his name is Stanley, he's sitting next to me so peaceful. His tummy is full with cat food and he's had a nice poo in the litter box, and you can tell he's happy. I'm glad to have made his day.

I'm worried that my roommates, as wonderful as they are, aren't good for me, since they come as a distraction to my own inner maintenance. although my own inner maintenance also feels so demanding and possibly bad for me.

School keeps stressing me with more work that I take way too seriously. I've come to realize the only way I can approach things that seem to be too much is to take their power over me down a notch, and put those things in a place that isn't so scary.

I'm going to try and sleep now, hopefully tomorrow my mind won't be so buzzing.




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