Ingrydients

Ingrydients
2020-04-14 17:50:00 (UTC)

stuck

There are so many things that are inevitably happening to me because of my poor decision making. Anything to get me out of me, i can't seem to stay sober, i can't seem to try it and not be miserable while doing so. Overdosed last year in one of my best friends arms and let me tell you guys something, OD'ing and then not seeing a white fucking light or something before they narcan you back to life is quite disheartening, but then again maybe it just wasn't my time yet. Yesterday after i overdosed again and ended up with a lung infection from inhaling/gagging on my own vomit when they narcaned me, that will hopefully be gone by the time i'm done with the antibiotics they gave me i came to the realization that i have no fucking idea how to feel like a normal human being again. And how the hell am i supposed to figure out who i am in this mid life crisis i'm having at 20 years old. My liver is fucked not completely fucked but by what the doctors say it's not exactly in the best shape ever, my health can get better if i decide to make healthier life choices but i enjoy the escape and the relief a little too much when it comes from external feelings. I lack real friendships because everyone is living their own life. And the people that seem to want to be there for me i always end up having a sexual attraction to them so to be frankly honest i know i need a shit load of therapy and i've gotten a shit load of therapy but if i go to one more treatment center anytime soon i'm going to lose my shit and probably not end up sober. I spoke to my sponsor, she suggested me going to her halfway which i would like to be but im scared to make that uncomfortable decision. I miss my best friend, he's in treatment right now and life is quite unfair to us and i wish i could cry and hug him and get high all at the same time. Fuck. Every time i go to rehab i make these unbelievable bonds with some people. This time around at Compassions treatment center everyone there was like a family, it was something beautiful since this whole quarantine virus bullshit had the meetings shut down, we had to do in house meetings every night but that's how we bonded more often. We'd all contribute food together at dinner time and eat after saying grace together. We lifted each other up and of course i felt in like with a beautiful damaged boy because apparently i can't seem to get away from those.

Its about to be midnight and all i can really think about is how i'm going to survive with my every move being watched in my moms apartment, and when the hell i'm going to start adulting because it is absolutely about time. I can't keep procrastinating everything in my life but yet somehow i have enough faith to know that things will be okay. I know somewhere i'll find the strength to do better and be better, I have to because clearly if God or whatever higher power in the universe is out there keeping me alive doesn't think my time here is up just yet. My moms becoming a desperate wreck and it's all my fault i need her to live because the thought of me stalling her life like that has me fucking sick to my stomach.




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