so here i am again.
april 10th, 2020. 10 days before 4/20. lost inside my own head.
i sat down, eating a huge bag of takis, high as fuck in a room with a bunch of other people. but nothing was happening - i was just eating.
why did i find that so rewarding? now i'm beating off and smoking myself to oblivion every day.
i hate that these are both addictions i'm fighting really hard. the energy to maintain my lfiestyle withers as the quarantine extends indefinitely.
tinder, facebook dating, everything - it just all seems so lackluster. i wanted to work out and look hot, but why? because everyone else was looking hot?
which brings me to another topic: rejoining social media. jury is STILL out on whether or not that was a good idea, but i fronted like it was with my recent high school post. ugh. i wasn't sure how long it would take me to make another bible-length cringe post - or maybe I should have. i'm so confused and passive now. i hate conflict of any kind. my mind feels like it's in constant turmoil. and i've been trying to take better care of myself...or at least appear better for myself.
it doesn't work. even when i'm trying not to think about guys, i'm thinking about guys. i'm thinking about piyush. i'm thinking about hassan. i'm thinking about ify. it feels so annoying. i am so irritated. maybe lupe was right about the hooks in your heart concept - it's getting more difficult to sustain a genuine connection because of all the vices. isn't it weird that i feel overwhelmed with the expectations i place on myself? why is that?
back to addiction - i need to find a way to break it already. or at least reduce it. do something. i feel embarrassed about the time i've spent with my coworkers thus far. either i was dumb drunk or high, there's no in-between. this is not the place for me. i'm afraid that if i say that i'm not happy or that i'm not healthy i'm confirming the damage that i already know. and accepting it is extremely difficult for me. i don't want to have depression or anxiety. i don't want to feel overworked and exhausted all the time. i hate that every day is a battle for me. what am i supposed to be doing right now?
what am i supposed to be doing right now?
i've binge watched a shit ton of persona 5 and finished on my block in one go. joker speaks to me on a lot of levels. there is also the matter of nino's wedding. i have to buy the items, get myself fitted, and pray to god i look sharp enough to go to a wedding honestly. well, i think i'm letting my life pass me by while i waste a shit ton of money on idle video games. i find that mind is too loud to meditate nowadays. i find that i keep regressing back into the same patterns. saying that i'm going to do something repeatedly without actually going through with it. and seeing people who can do all of this stuff and be on social media gives the impression that everything is going well when we know it's not. it's one facet of the diamond...one side of the story. and i can't beat myself up over things that i cannot control.
but what i can control is me. and that is something i have to get drilled into my head until it's worked into muscle memory. i can change whatever part of me i want whenever i would like to. there is always an apt time for reinvention. and i have to execute the next way i reinvent myself in my fullest capacity - the most productive version of elijah yet. one without anxiety, one without fear, one with the experience and the power. it's time i gain my own persona, don't you think? and conquer the twisted desires. ha. maybe...i just realized...maybe this is the way to tackle it. gamify it like i said before, but bring it to a level that keeps me engaged...maybe a reward system for myself? how do i retrain my brain? how do i change its reward function? i have to start finding pleasure in the things i love doing...such as finally being able to clearly express my thoughts in a journal entry.
so i'm lost in thought about my sexuality again. this secret crush feature on facebook got me fucked up. if only i had this feature during high school, shit would have really gone down i think. but i don't know enough people even know to think about it seriously. the only way i can have a competitive profile is if i'm muscular and attractive. all the instagram models that come to mind...i wonder if they've glamorized it too much or i'm actually interested in becoming one. sexy nurse eli? heh.
still waiting for surgery to come and swoop me up. 4G is tiring. nursing is tiring. and kaylan is fucking exhausting. i can't believe i withstood her negative ass energy for so long. now i go days without seeing her. i don't want to be around her. and i truly do despise bringing myself around shaan again. he truly encompasses what it means to make a stupid decision. and i am so glad i have a journal i can vent all this shit out to. i'm going to continue to do so...listen...
hassan left a huge rip. i'll never stop saying it. and once i did, i confirmed it. that shit still hurts, and i don't know why. he was meant to be mine - and i knew the day we had started looking at rings at the same damn time. the embarrassed laughter. the flushed face. i know he achieved his dreams, but he'll never be able to be with someone who loves him like a goddamn madman. it's been years since we've seen each other and i still think about this man every single day. it truly astounds me.
so i guess i won't stop being sad for a while. i guess it's just my natural state. or maybe it isn't? maybe it's pensive. maybe it's "tormented," like shaan says. i'm rubbing my temples and overwhelming myself again. it's probably time for some mindfulness meditation. and i'm so glad i got to spit out all the things i had on my mind. what else should i word vomit...