Just so something of me is left, if something happens
So I’ve been stuck with my family for a month
I may not have been particularly obvious about it before, but I hate my family. Not the kind of hate that’s “I would like to destroy everything you hold dear and laugh as you cry” but more like “just fucking kill me, I don’t want to deal with this shit anymore ever”. I don’t feel anything except contempt and irritation when I’m near them, and so much as hearing them or feeling like they’re nearby makes me want to jump off a cliff.
Maybe a bit extreme, but they have a way of making me wish I was never born. Basically I’ve been stuck in my own personal hell for a month and I’m doubting my sanity rn.
It’s even more irritating - and my irritation is all I have left to hold onto at this point - because I was actually doing relatively fine mental and emotional health-wise before this quarantine. But now? I’d be lucky to avoid a lecture on something I didn’t even know I did wrong, or that I was supposed to do or know about. I get caught in the middle of arguments that have nothing to do with me and everyone takes their frustration out on me by getting mad at me instead of whoever else it is they’re angry at. I get pushed into doing housework then berated for not doing it properly, doing it too slowly, having a “bad look” on my face while doing it, or for not offering to do it.
I can’t even read in peace. I can’t stay in my room to destress or relax, I can’t sleep to get rid of a headache, I can’t even fucking eat without there being a lecture of some kind
I hate it. I hate everything and I want nothing more than to just die because I don’t want to deal with any of this anymore, especially when it seems like it’s never going to end.
The only thing keeping me around is pure spite. But that only lasts so long, and being honest I’m already so tired of everything. I don’t care if I go to hell or not, I just don’t want anything anymore.
I’m trying to hang on but at this point I feel like it would just be better for everyone involved if I just hanged. God knows they’d only care because it would make them look bad.