Nadia

wet blanket
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2020-04-12 15:50:10 (UTC)

I'm stuck. I'm lashing ..

I'm stuck. I'm lashing out because i'm frustrated and i don't really know what to do anymore. I just want passion. I want to be loved fiercly and obviously. I'm sick of fucking second guessing myself i always just want to blame myself. I'm upset.
He couldn't even stay hard for me the other night. I don't blame him. Maybe he was "just tired" like he said, maybe he doesn't find me sexy anymore. Sex is meant to release serotonin so why do i feel upset and stupid and unsexy and pointless afterwards.
It's not just the sex i'm not that shallow. I mean sex if a big deal to me, he knows that. But i wouldn't break up with someone because of a few weeks or months of a lack of sex. Not someone that means this much to me. It's everything else on top of that. I don't think he enjoys having me around and if he does he doesn't show it very well. The amount of times i try to flirt with him or make a joke and in the past it was funny or cute. Now i just feel like a genuine unfunny perve or that my jokes are shit. If it was on the odd occasion i wouldn't care but it's all the time. I feel like I can't be fun and playful anymore. Maybe he's still used to his emotionless ex or he's been thrown in the deep end of emotion from me and he thought he could take it but he can't.
When we play tennis and we're on the same team I often leave feeling shit and that he probably hates me. Again, fitness is meant to release serotonin already yeah? I just want you to walk with me somewhere. To wait for me or just fucking hell.
I think often I'd just rather people try with me consistently and want my presence or shit jokes and laugh at how dumb they are, not that theyre funny because i know they're not, it's funny because they're shit. instead of being met with disapproving looks. I'm not asking you to be there when everything is shit, I mean yeah that's fucking awesome if you do. To me I just need a partner to appreciate me. I'm not being needy because I don't need a partner, I can do fine on my own. But if i end up being with someone in some stupid committed relationship then i expect some fucking love and conistency god fucking damn it.
it's fine.
I'm trying to keep my cool and not overreact.
Yes i'm letting it all out on here but that's okay. I'm just writing bullshit to no one.
It's fine. I'm upset and sad but i'm coping.


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