Today is a new day
Depending on who it comes from I try to find the positive meaning behind some peoples words that leave me feeling discouraged.
When it comes to my eating disorder psychiatrist I understand that when he says my path to weight loss while good intentioned and had helped me lose 165 pounds the first time, but will not work for me long term, while I'm trying to do it again after regaining a lot of weight, does not mean I shouldnt make an effort to take weight off. At first when he told me I would only end up regaining and bingeing because caloric reduction doesnt work in the long term, I thought he meant in general and that I shouldn't even bother.
I know now that he meant that part of my process needs to include therapy specifically designed for my eating disorder and transitioning to that will help me be successful long term. I do understand that forcing calorie restriction... even though it's a healthy calorie restriction.. can still screw with my brain and lead to binge eating and chaos. I had to accept that he was right because he was.. I didnt regain the weight because I gave up, I regained the weight because I spirled out of control mentally trying to keep control. I didnt do anything that already wasnt set in stone with my disorder... it was just a longer version of the binge and restrict loop that my brain is stuck in.
The therapy however is posing a bit of a problem trying to obtain it. Mostly because while I have excellent insurance through work, they do not cover psychiatrists.. and while he does sometimes see me without charging me, it would be someone else conducting the therapy and they do require money, so.. it's a quest to figure out how I can get this useful therapy and not be stuck forever gaining and losing and going round and round.
While I've been off work I've felt like even tho I am restricting my calories to a good amount, because I have not been exercising at all... or doing anything for that matter that I'm not getting anywhere. I bought a scale online and it hasn't been delivered yet and so visually I have no way of knowing if I've even dropped water weight yet. I want to exercise. But the workout video on youtube bores me and I find I'm not all that eager to do it. Honestly what I want is to buy a treadmill and while I cant do that right this second, even tho I got that tingling urgency to do so to make myself feel better, I know it wont be long before I can... and also, it wont be long before I am back to work and walking and moving around more, which will also help me feel better.
I normally am cautious about inviting people into my life especially when it involves a goal because often people have a way of demotivating me or making me feel like I am doing something wrong.
For me.. trying to get through the day and stay within my calorie goal is my focus right now, with my eating disorder, every second of my day is food focused. No matter what I do to try and engage my mind in other things, I find myself checking the time to see how much longer I have to do this for to get closer to my next meal time. I eat and then it's all about just getting through that next gap, the closer I get to bed time the happier I am because sleep means I can finally relax, sleeping passes the time effortlessly, it ensures I dont have to struggle not to eat more then I should, it also means that I made it through the day and when I wake up, it's a new day and yesterdays struggle is over, this is now a "new" one even though it's the exact same struggle as yesterday.
This person I was speaking with somewhat regularly lately, we are both members of myfitnesspal, I spoke a lot about my eating disorder and while they listened and tried to understand, they couldnt. For me my methods are to aid my completion of each day, and regardless of my choices, they also felt the need to educate me, even when I didnt need it. Often times they educated me for things I didnt even need to be, I of course said a couple times that they did not need to do that, that I know all these things and was often just speaking generally, like when I said I hope this oatmeal is good, it wasnt that I was unsure if it was nutritionally okay, they didnt need to tell me not to over do it, they didnt need to tell me that it was because it was high in carbs and calorie dense... i can read the nutritional label. I said "i hope this is good"... because it was banana flavored and i had never had it before. That is why I sent him a picture of the flavor...not a picture of the nutritional info.
This person I guess just couldnt help themselves because as soon as I told them that I found something that had made dealing with my eating disorder easier, he immediately said that I should be doing it a different way. I called him out on it, cause In all honesty, after losing 165 pounds before, I dont believe that was simply a fluke, but afterwards I decided that... this person's actions were making me feel negatively. The same as sometimes my psychiatrist does but.. I couldn't find anything helpful with his incessant need to educate me on things I already kept saying I knew and to stop doing that.. so I removed him.
My feelings were scattered because I was annoyed and frustrated even tho I knew he was incorrect and I ended up eating to compensate. I did do my best to stay within maintenance but I dont wanna do that. While it's not causing me to gain any weight it's certainly slowing down progress. And I felt frustrated more because I was letting this insignificant humans comments effect my own life like that.
He isnt going to be the first one to do it either. My first time losing weight was full of know it all's and experts offering their helpful suggestions.... or at least they thought they were being helpful..
I am going to have to find a way to deal with these situations better because I cant let people influence me.
Maybe this journal will help... give me a place to vent, as I cant very well message friends or family to complain because I know a few results from that.
First they will tell me I dont know this person so who cares. And they're right but I find this somewhat dismissive to my feelings, simply because with my BPD I often cant control the escalation of my feelings and often times how I end up feeling inside, it is like someone close to me said it.
Second, they will offer me the same tired old advice, which in theory is probably helpful, but again dismissive of the struggle, the same as me giving advice to someone quitting smoking, having never smoked myself, I dont even know what nicotine cravings are like... how could my advice be helpful when I've never gone through it?
And that's unfortunately where I stand with binge eating disorder and borderline personality disorder, a world that sees my emotional instability as nothing more then immaturity, and where eating a whole bag of chips before bed is relatable to my binge eating disorder struggles.
I know everyone struggles with food in some degree, I dont want to dismiss them either and I know that they are trying to relate to be there for me, but its lonely. It's not like I can just not buy chips to avoid eating it.. or some other food..
I've left myself stale ice cream cones and salad dressing for god sakes and I still binge ate it all until it was gone. People dont drink salad dressing normally...
Today is a new day to keep to my calorie goal.
I know i just need to be strong. Better things are on the horizon...