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2020-04-11 22:47:38 (UTC)

Quarantine - Day 28

My brother got out of quarantine today and for a very late lunch we baked with mom. Amongst SOME cleaning, of course. The house quickly came alive after that though, my brother always rallied with my mom in that regard and they're the funniest two out of the five of us.

I got an idea for a drawing today. Coincidentally, C commented that I have a lovely instagram gallery. He's recently made an account and found me. It reminded me that among other things, Dr. N suggested I can use this time to be more active on social media. Not active in the sense of making new friends or making my way to looking for a new relationship but simply to gain more exposure, to write and share, to draw and post, to comment on other people's posts, that sort of thing. To establish a presence. For once, the endeavor doesn't sound like it can be exhausting, it feels deprived of any pressure because it's something for me to do on my own pace and for my own liking. I quite like that. Before, I considered C my muse, everything I wanted to do I ran by him first because I like pleasing him and impressing him that way. And our sharing of ideas and concepts fed into my creations so they naturally want to express themselves to him. So I feared that with him out of the picture is be lost in what to create. Surprisingly, that's not really what I seem to feel now. I feel like a kind of freedom is washing over everything, like I'm looking forward to not caring about judgement but to be slightly provocative instead. Well, maybe not provocative. I guess you know what I mean.

I didn't tell Dr. N about having a public online diary though. Maybe I should. Maybe I'll find myself at a point where I might not need it to be public anymore. Hard to tell. You see, I know I have a desperate need to communicate. The question is whether there had been an intended recipient or whether all of this had been a subconscious effort to nurture the hope that C might still read me after all. Again, hard to tell. I like writing to the world though, even if no one reads. It's my own way of not being passive, and that feels like the right thing to do for now.

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