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Embrace your special characteristics
If it is over just like this, it would be a pity in my life.
Deep down I hope it goes back to normal, I know it's not the perfect match, and things go ups and downs in these hard times, so you will never know what will happen the next second. Maybe it's a bit exaggerating, but that's how I feel. I'm trying to reduce the sense of uncertainty by developing a new habit, by learning a new skill, by trying to talk to people as much as possible.
I never asked Maddie how she could take the courage to do that much for a person she just met less than half a year, followed her bf to here, broke away from her family and friends, started a new life in a new continent when she was just 23. Would you say that's reckless? romantic? or maybe it's after careful considerations. That reminds me of my once loved writer Snmao and her husband Jose. This Spanish guy moved to Sahara with her, just for chasing her dream life, literally, she dreamt of living in Sahara and thought she belonged there. And eventually, he died young. Both of them had adventurous life stories, I guess my wish for exploration started from this point.
I've been not reading novels and poetry for a while. But I still remember that when I read those books, I felt happy and sad deep down, sometimes, my mind couldn't come back to the real world for days. Sadness, grief can stimulate the sense of sensitivity and creativity inside of you. That's why lots of world-famous writers and artists have a miserable childhood or unlucky, a miserable life I guess.
Being timid, afraid of being abandoned, too much calculation makes me can't enjoy the moment I should be enjoying. I was watching a TED talk video the other day, named don't believe what you think. It said, when we grow up, we become timider, we believe what others say, like, you shouldn't do this, it's not for you. This is like a rope that constrains us, deprives our power to achieve more once-seemed impossible tasks, also, it narrows the possible range of our lives. I do need to break this through.
It sounds funny and unbelievable that when I feel sad, I tend to think more and write more. Especially when I was in high school, I was supposed to study arts, because I liked it and I believed that I had the emotional sensibility that normal kids didn't have. I once treated the sensibility as a burdon because I thought too much and it almost drove me crazy! I then consciously blunted myself by telling me to stop thinking like that. Seems like the measure worked perfectly fine, I'm not happy with its outcome tho. You should embrace the special characteristics God gives you.
I kinda enjoy this mental state, I become sensitive to emotions again.