Nadia

wet blanket
Ad 2:
Ezoic
2020-04-11 15:33:12 (UTC)

I'm so fucking sick of ..

I'm so fucking sick of looking like this.
I don't wanna be in this body anymore.
I wanna be made new.
I don't even want this consciousness anymore.

I hate my manly hands, i hate my disgusting thighs and the way they always rub together, I hate my everything about my arms... they're chubby and just covered in scarring... I hate my hair it's boring and nothing, i hate my bad attitude towards everything, i hate my addictive personality, i hate my personality.
The only path of light i can see right now is to restrict my eating. I'm not really sure if i want people to see my sickness on the outside or if i just really want to lose weight. Maybe it's a mix of both.
I just need motion, i don't fucking care what direction it's in as long as i can't just fucking move i've been in the same spot for too long and it's driving me absolutely crazy.
i got offered help but i just didn't respond.
I didn't want to talk about that night. It's too much right now.
I always feel like i've done something wrong and that i'm bad. I don't think i'm a good person. I'm bad.
I know the most about me above everyone. I've had people try to tell me they know me better than i know myself and i know they're wrong becuase they're still my friends.
I hate who i am. I feel like this existential crisis is never going to end. I didn't fucking ask to be here or be born. Maybe that's part of why I never want kids, I never want them to feel like this. I never want them to feel like they owe me or they're obligated to live for me. That I've put all this effort into them and they're just actively destroying it. I love my parents, I just wish they never had me.


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