Shine's secret place
2020-04-10 20:54:55 (UTC)

A dialogue with myself

I decided to start a dialogue with myself since I'm going through a hard time in my life. There is a psychological term, white bear effect, saying when you don't want to think of something, while this thing will occupy your whole brain, haunting around you and your wish will never come true. Surprisingly, the only way out is to embrace it and go through it. I kinda understand the tactic, when you avoid the scary thing, you tend to consider yourself as powerless and unable to conquer it, at the same time, you empower the thing, to make it scarier, you are constantly worrying about it.
Sometimes, parenting can be really bad in Asian families, parents tell their girls they're powerless, "you don't need to be great at work, a stable job and a husband are the meaning of your life"; "you need to rely on people to survive", parents, husband, children, barely themselves. This is what usually happens.
I found out Maddie and I have the same personality type, maybe that's why sometimes when she says some unconfident sh*t, I'm a bit shocked because feel exactly the same way. Unconfidence seems like a significant part of my personality, I frequently wonder that if I deserve what I've got today. Especially after I call my mom. (Lol) You're nobody without me, that's how she undermines my established self-esteem bit by bit. I know I know, do you really need to say that and make me pity myself? I desperately need some more sweetness in my life. I always tell myself and others, you should not be a victim of your family or whatever, you should take control over your life from interpreting things differently. Like, I am able to change the shit, the reason why I'm not doing it, is because I don't want to, yet. But the truth is, my extremely low self-esteem tells me, you know that's not true. I'm blaming my mom for not raising me well, just like the people I looked down on, how ironic.
People say grow-up is when you wave goodbye to those possible yourself, other possibilities of your life die out and you can only see one way through. I don't expect to be an adult then. I'm actually delaying it, not making essential decisions in life, going back to uni, moving to a brand new environment, starting a new relationship (idk now if it's over or not tho lol), etc.. I've been trying to get away from it. It sounds not pleasant, but it is what is happening in my life.
Let me call it a day, constant reflection is a must, recap helps me know myself better.

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