from my heart
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2020-04-10 21:17:13 (UTC)

feeling numb

5:17 pm

every day when i feel sad or bad, i try to keep a positive mindset where i tell myself that tomorrow will be a better day. the worst feeling is putting hope onto tomorrow and realizing that tomorrow that you have so believed would be better isnt.

yesterday i hoped that i can be more productive today and that i will feel better but i feel so numb today. im feeling so grossed out at myself.

i cant stop these negative feelings and i literally dont want to do anything. i just feel so ugly and the fact that i have people that care for me disgusts me. i feel like maybe that why i deserve to be alone forever.

i dont feel surprised if reed will ever end up leaving me because im just too hard to handle. everybody does.

times like this, i just miss jin a lot. i miss the way i could talk to him about everything and anything. i just feel lost. i think ive been feeling lost for a while now.

im so good at giving people advice and understanding them. im good at doing the positive thinking for them when theyre unhappy and consumed by negative thoughts. however, i can never do that for myself whenever im feeling low. i feel like theres this huge force of negativity that lives within me and will burst at random times. nothing can help me. i can only just wait it out and let it get tired of dealing with me as well.

i should probably be productive and get my things done. i shouldnt let my shitty feelings control me. im just going to suppress those emotions and let it come out before i go to bed, when im done with everything i have to do for today.

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